i hope this works
Sep. 12th, 2008 10:35 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
kriszethTitle: How to le go.
Genre: Inclined to angst
Pairing: Akira/Nobuta, Shuuji/Nobuta, Akira/Tsurara, Shuuji/Mariko, Kurosaki/Tsurara (all of this eventually)
Rating: PG
Step One. Learn how to cope
Not surprisingly, Nobuta cries the first three days Shuuji and Akira are gone, just as she said she would. She feels alone and tiny, still a bundle of uncertainty; mostly because even if she was ok with them going away, there were a lot of things that didn't get finished, a lot of things that were left unsaid.
Nobuta wonders if someday they would have an ending, if she'll have the chance to say them.
She wonders if they need an ending, if they need to be said.
Maybe, she's just a little regretful of it all. They were gone without her being able to properly thank them for all they did for her and she still wonders what she could have done for them; if there is something she can do to thank them even now.
That's why Nobuta goes running up to the rooftop the first time her lips curve in a perfect smile, stopping halfway to second guess herself when remembering they couldn't see her because That's right. They're not... here anymore and going back to the classroom to stare at two empty desks.
Later, though, she goes up to smile at the blue, blue sky, even when tears are rolling down her cheeks.
"I can smile now... I can really smile now!"
Because even if they're away, there's still a measure of comfort in knowing that wherever they are, they're still under the same blue sky, in the same planet and, most of all, they are in her heart and will always be.
Mariko is waiting for her at the school gate, having skipped basketball practice for the third day in a row, handkerchief ready and a kind smile on her face, when she finally decides to go home.
Nobuta understands that even when sometimes she feels alone, she will never ever be lonely.
*****
Kotani Nobuko is running.
Again.
It seems like since she met Shuuji and Akira, all she has done is run around, though now she is not running by her own will (or desperation to get away from someone), but because Mariko-san took her hand to led her to who-knew-where before she could even utter a 'Hello'.
It's the end of the first week since coming back to school and she's happy to say that now, she really has her real first girl friend - though Aoi has a particular place in her life now, even if the other girl is still mean to her on occasion (she still does not surpass Bando, though the latter has put all her attention in targeting first years now).
Someday, Nobuta wants to be able to look back at her high schools days and say 'Ah, it really was fun' even when remembering the difficult times.
There's a commotion in the school gate and she notices there's where Mariko-san is taking her. For a moment, she wants to put resistence at seeing all the people congregated, but the hand that leads her is warm and has a firm grip on her own and the excited smile in the other's face stops her doubts.
Maybe, this will be fun, too. Some day.
When the other students see her, they disperse in excited whispers to let her through, revealing an old man wearing an expensive suit with a brigth colored parcel in one hand and an assortment of metallic ballons in the form of pigs in the other. Her eyes get wider with every step Mariko makes her take.
"Nobuta-sama?" the man asks politely with a bow, a kind smile on his wrinkled face. Nobuta can only nod. "This is for you"
And he extends the parcel, witholding the ballons to give her space to take it in both hands. She is reluctant to take it, but a nudge from Mariko gives her the courage she needs to accept it. She blinks at the little card that explains that the parcel is, indeed, for her.
From: Shuuji to Akira! Kon!
She can almost her him say it.
At the insistence in the chant 'Open it. Open it. Open it' around her, she takes her time unwrapping it, careful not to tear apart the paper, holding her breath with expectation. Inside, there's a cell phone with a Nobuta keychan and a photo of two very wet and very smiling Shuuji and Akira in their new uniforms as a wallpaper in the LCD screen. There are only two numbers in the phone memory.
Everyone around her loses interest when 'It's just a cell. Bah!' and decide as one to go back to what they were doing. Only Mariko remains.
Slowly, ever so slowly, a smile spreads all over her expression and she looks up when Mariko puts a hand on her shoulder. There are some clicks that makes both of them blink (back the tears Nobuta didn't even notice were in her eyes) at the old man with a digital camera in his hand.
"Bocchan's request" he explains with a smile and extends the ballons. Mariko takes them for Nobuta, delighted for her friend, a musical laugh escaping her when Nobuta touches them reverently, as if the ballons were going to dissapear any moment now. There are more clicks before the kind man pockets the digital camera and then, "Also, here's something for Uehara Mariko-sama"
He extends an envelope and now is Nobuta the one who has to nudge her for Mariko to take it. Inside is a little piece of stationary paper in which is written sloppily a phone number with glittery purple colored ink and a Because Shuuji still needs us.
Mariko covers her smiling mouth with a hand and her eyes are bright with tears. Nobuta smiles again at Akira's thoughtfulness and puts a comforting hand in the shoulder of the taller girl.
There is a final click (that they don't notice) and the man turns around to get into the expensive car waiting for him.
*****
There is a constant exchange of letters (in actual –colored- paper, so they can keep and reread them when the distance feels like it is too much), once and even twice a month, sometimes. There is a whole variety of them, from the ones written in crayon and glitter (Akira), to drawings (Nobuta), to deep musings (Shuuji); almost like entries of a diary, though written from three different perpectives. Sometimes, even Mariko adds to it, just a few lines here and there. These are full of memories and hopes and dreams.
Then, there are the emails. Nobuta has limited acces to internet, though, since she can be online only when using the school computers (Akira sometimes argues about the pros of buying her a laptop so they can chat, but Nobuta uses that tone of voice rejecting the idea, making Akira pout. 'Works every time', Shuuji fails at hiding his smirk and Akira's pout evolves into a full sulking session). This are full of advice and funny anecdotes and little snnipets of their every day lives, sometimes accompanied with videos or photos.
There are also the text messages. Some are meaningful and touching, but most of them are just excuses to send something. From whines to random thoughts to improptu words without meaning. Obviously, Akira is the one that ends up using this all the time.
And finally, the phone calls. Shuuji comes up with a few rules for these, though, after an angry call from Akira's father about having to pay three different (and outrageous) phone bills at a family dinner in the new house (after which Nobuta insisted of paying her own, she still has that part-time on the temple as a miko after all. Shuuji, too, gets himself a job in a surfing store, Akira following in his steps after two days of lonely boredom). "For emergencies only" Shuuji decides.
*****
It is not uncommon to see Nobuko-chan –and she is Nobuko-chan now- running in the school hallways. So her classmates think nothing of it when she rushes into the classroom for her bag after being called to the direction by Catherine to answer a phonecall. If her expression looks a little strained and a lot worried, they do not get a chance to notice because she passes them like a breeze, a moment there and the next gone.
It is much later they learn the reason from Mariko-chan and their faces turn simpathetical and uncertain and there are proposals of calling Shuuji-kun, beacuse even now, they all think he can make things better and if not, "At least Kusano can act like the idiot he is to cheer her up".
Mariko-chan vehemently forbids them to.
"She'll tell them when she is ready" she says and because she's Nobuko-chan's best girl friend now and still the most popular girl in school, her word is law and they do nothing.
Nobuko-chan comes back after a week of abscense and she is once again the Kotani from her earlier days - walking with her eyes on the floor and dragging her feet; though the reason now is far from shyness and uncertainty, but grief and despair and sorrow and lost. Anyway, they do not have time to spare in thinking about it.
Kids these days are marked by noisy confusion and gossip, cruelty and kindness and indifference all mixed together and so, they do not have the time to think in anyone else but themselves and their futures. Final exams are around the corner and that is all that occupies the minds of highschool students, their noses inside their books, trying to memorize all that they never got around to properly learn. After this, is college entrance exams and they cannot think of trivialities such as empathy and solidarity.
At least, that's what is on the minds of the ones that are going to apply for college. For the rest, life is as always. Bullying (mostly Bando), being bullied (also, Bando again, thanks to her boyfriend), the girl-boy they like, karaoke, the arcade, etc.
Nobuko-chan spends all her time in the rooftop now. That is, when she's not answering a test, though the teachers have told her she could take them at another time; when she feels more ready.
"It wouldn't be fair to them" she answers her old friend, Mr. Floor and the eyes of the adults become a little glassier and bright and they nod, dismissing her.
That she doesn't think she'll ever feel ready to confront the world like before remains hanging unspoken.
*****
The worse, Nobuta thinks (and she thinks of herself as Nobuta, because that was the person Shuuji and Akira liked the best and, honestly, that's the person she likes the best too), is coming to an empty house. A lonely house.
So she spends her afternoons editing in the club room, dragging the hours out until it's time for the school to close and then wandering the streets. She does not say Tadaima when entering the apartment, even if her step-father is there.
Nobuta's still too afraid of speaking too much too soon.
"A letter arrived for you today" he says as way of greeting, extending the aforementioned mail. It's the first time he has talked to her since the incident and Nobuta notices how tired his eyes are and how he looks as if he has become so much older and thinner in the last month. She feels a little guilty about it.
Her hand doubts before taking it and then hugs it to her chest, whispering a "Thank you" to dissapear into her room.
It's not one from the boys. The envelope it's just too plain for the likes of Akira ('Glittler, glittler! Pretty glitter for a pretty girl! Kon!') and Shuuji usually uses colored ones - at insistence from the rich boy, Nobuta is sure.
She looks at it for a long time, deciding if what's inside is something she wants to know, then takes a deep breath and opens it, her eyes skipping through the lines and getting wider as she reads.
*****
The doorbell rings insistently and she frowns, not expecting anyone at this time. It is a little late, but still a polite hour to visit. Mariko puts aside her books and notes to go answer it. She opens the door to find Nobuko-chan still in her uniform.
That Nobuko-chan knows where she lives does not surprise her, though, but the sheet of paper that the girl almost shoves into her face. When her vision catch the words 'Congratulations' and 'First place' between blurry print, she hugs her firend with a delighted cry of "Nobuko-chan, you did it! Just as I knew you could! You did it!" while twisting her around the porch.
It's after she reads the letter out loud to confirm the news that she notices the furrowed brow on the shorter girl's face, her own smile disapearing with worry.
"What's wrong?"
"I-is it..." that Nobuko-chan is sttutering just proves how troubled she feels, ducking her head to hide her eyes beneath still-a-little-too-long bangs. "Is it... really ok... for me to go?"
If Nobuko-chan retains something from the person she was before meeting with her producers-become-best-friends, it is the hability to second guess every thing she does. Mariko becomes serious at this and takes her by the shoulders, shaking her a little.
"Nobuta must go. For sure, she must go. Kanarazu!"
Hearing that name makes all things become clearer somehow and even when there is a moment of indecision, Nobuta gives the barest hint of a smile - one corner of her mouth rising the barest fraction of a second before the other corner, as it always does and will always do. This is her Nobuta smile, the first one Shuuji saw and the one Akira always wanted to keep on her face.
She remembers everything that has happened to her since coming to this city, what she gained and what she lost, what she keeps and what she had to let go of. All the changes she has faced and will face and when Nobuta looks up into Mariko's proud smile, she nods determined. The taller girl hugs her again and slowly, ever so slowly, Nobuta hugs her back.
They stay like that for a moment, before Mariko pulls away, a frown on her face.
"Will you tell them? Shuuji and... Kusano-san?"
*****
"I see" Catherine intones unfolding her ever-present fan.
What she sees, though, nobody knows. Her eyes are serious and her red lips on an almost but not quite tight line. She does not take the documents Kotani extends to her but stares with furrowed brows deep and hard into the girl, waiting for something.
"If you're that much in a hurry, you can give us the address where you'll be staying at and we can mail the neccessary documents for you" Kouchou-sensei says with a bland smile. Kyoto-sensei's frown always puts him on edge.
"I – I still have no forward address"
"Sou desu ne?"
"But what a pity, ne?" Yokoyama-sensei says. "Just a week away from graduation ceremony and you have to move out. Have you told your classmates yet?"
Kotani shakes her head no, her eyes fixed to the floor. It's like a deja vu, seeing her like this, awkward and nervous, after she made such good progress and something snaps.
Everyone looks at Catherine, her fan closed in a tight fist while she looks into the girl in front of her. There's silence so thick it could break the knife that dares try to cut it and the staff room stops breathing.
"You..." Kyoto-sensei hisses, narrowing her eyes. "Are you trying to run away?"
All eyes are on Kotani now and slowly, ever so slowly, the girl looks up, her eyes determined and serious and rightfully angry.
"No. I'm not running away" declares a Kotani Nobuko so different from the one the teachers are acoustomed to. "I promised [myself] that I would be able to answer to their feelings the next time I saw them. That I'd be better... I'm still not the kind of person I want to show them. So... until then..."
The fan snaps open again, cutting her mid-sentence and Catherine laughs one of her creepy laughs, loud and hard. Nobuta is too surprised by it to continue what she is saying. Kyoto-sensei opens a drawer from her desk and pulls out some documents and a manila folder. Still laughing, she gets up and goes to the principal's desk, takes his seal and stamps it on the documents before putting them inside the folder.
She hands it to a speechless Nobuta.
"Here. Take them" Catherine prompts. "Those are the documents you'll need and I've already sent the recommendation letter. As of today, you've graduated from highschool. OMEDETOU!" And effusively hugs a motion-less Nobuta, the other teachers somehow getting out of their sttupors to clap politely.
Later, they watch her bow gratefully in front of the building from the window in the staff room before she turns around and gets out the school premises; some wave at her, not stopping until she is out of sight.
Nobuta does not look back.
*****
When her stepfather gets home that evening, he is surprised to see her sitting in the dining room. On the table are the letter she received and some kind of ticket.
"I... I need to talk with you"
Her stefather nods at her seriousness and takes the seat in front of her, discarding his jacket and loosening his tie. Nobuko does not raise her gaze, but slides the letter to him first. He takes it wearily, remembering how she clutched it protectively the other day.
"Do you want me to read it?" he asks just to be sure and the girl nods.
He unfolds the documents and blinks at the words that are boldtyped before he really reads the content. His first reaction is to smile and gaze with fondly pride at Nobuko -which she misses, busy as she is in her interest for the surface of the table- and then frowning at grasping the implications of it all.
"I see" he intones gravely when he finishes and folds the documents once again.
He stares at her thoughtfully and Nobuko squirms nervously in her seat, not knowing how to take his words.
"First" he begins when she doesn't add anything. "I must congratulate you. It must have been a lot of work by yourself"
"Thank you" she says automatically. "And it was not. I - I really like it, that's why... it was not really difficult at all..."
"I take it, then, you've decided to go?" was intoned like a question, but the nod of the girl was just confimation at his knowledge.
"I already bought the train ticket for tomorrow. At ten" she whispers and shows it to him. He doesn't take it but nods again.
He sighs and takes off his glasses, massaging tiredly the place the frame leaves imprints on his skin and then looks at her a little more. She is not the same little girl he knew that tried to change at age five and call him Otou-san. She's not even the same girl he knew a year ago. Nobuko...
No. Somehow, the name does not fit with this person in front of him. What was the name that weird boy that always called her at home before she got a cellphone gave when asking for her?
Nobuta... was it not? Somehow, the name suits her.
He smiles again. She has come a long way to become this person, hasn't she? He remembers the closed up girl that she was before they moved in to Tokoyo, the worry he felt and the guilt that, maybe, he was responsible for it. How slowly but surely she began to look forward instead of downwards until she just forgot to look at the floor and began smiling. Really smiling.
And she has the sweetest smile he has ever seen in anyone. Except, maybe, her mother.
A sudden pain burst from his chest and he feels hollow and empty and she is bowing, her forehead touching the surface of the table and her hands making fists into her skirt.
"I want to thank you. For all you've done for Mother and me" and there are tears in her voice, the same way there are tears in his eyes. "Thank you"
He gets up from his chair with the intention of comforting her, but when he is beside her, there are so many things that make him stop.
Once, he told her that he married her mother, but that he was not her father. Biologically speaking, she was not his daughter. They had been nothing but strangers living under the same roof with only one thing in common and now...
Now...
Her shoulders are shaking, eyes downcast and she doesn't have the courage of her childhood anymore to ask for anything from anyone, if she ever did. He throws all his insecurities out the window then and there, beacuse the little girl he saw grow up, the one that knew Onigiri's were his favorite and the one who called him Otou-san once, needed him here and now and he hugs her comfortingly, patting her head soothingly, whispering sweet nothings; beacuse he can't be as indiferent as he was once and he has learnt over the years what is the real meaning of the word 'father'. Beacuse she is his little girl, even if there is not a document that proves it.
He should have known, all those years back, that family is not just the one that is bonded by blood or contract, but memories and time and love.
"Thank you"
Specially love.
"No. Thanks to you... my daughter"
*****
Her belongings are packed in an old suitcase ("It was your mother's", her stepfather tells her fondly) and waits for next morning to arrive. She can't sleep though and when the first rays of sushine peek over the horizon she stops pretending and gets up.
Her room looks almost the same as always, with little things here and there missing from their usual place. Nobuta wants to take with her only what is really important (the letters from the boys), what is truly hers (the clothes Shuuji chose for her while Akira paid, some accesories, the cosmetics Mariko teached her how to use). Maybe she is being selfish, but she knows this is something she must do if she really wants to look back someday and don't feel any regrets.
She looks at the nightstand to see what the time is, when her gaze stops at the cellphone recharging battery. She has not turned it on since the last time the battery run out. She's afraid of what she'll find in there; of their voices breaking her resolve about leaving. She has been ignoring the calls, letting them go to voice mail and hasn't even bothered to read the text messages.
Nobuta takes it carefully and hugs it tightly to herself, closing her eyes.
Will you tell them... Shuji and... Kusano-san?
"I can't" she says in a small voice. "Not yet. Because, if I tell them, they'll want to come with me and I have to do this by myself"
But she can't leave like this, either. Sometimes, Nobuta wishes they could be able to understand her feelings without her having to say anything. Like when they were all together.
*****
"Are you sure you don't want me to go see you off?"
Nobuta nods determinedly. "You have work, isn't it? Also, there are some places I want to go to before getting to the train station"
Her father nods understandingly before extending an envelope. "Take this, but don't open it until you're in the train"
Nobuta blinks receiving it, before stuffing it inside her bag. There's an awkward moment before he takes a step forward and hugs her good bye to whisper into her ear. "Take care of yourself and know that if you ever need a place to come back to, you will always be welcome here"
Nobuta blinks back tears and nods, afraid that if she speaks she will begin crying. She gives her father a last watery smile before turning around and walking ahead.
*****
As every day, she makes her way to the market for a shortcut. The aroma of fresh fruit reminds her that she has yet to eat something and Nobuta decides to buy some apples, both as a good luck charm and for something to pick on during the ride on the train.
She stops to smell the flowers that were just delivered and to tell the obaa-san how cute they are. The woman looks at her kindly, noticing the luggage she carries and takes a white lily, motioning for her to take it.
"A cute flower for a cute girl"
Nobuta smiles and thanks her, then makes her way to the temple as she always does, but instead of just bowing, she makes the bell sound, claps once her hands and closes her eyes to pray. She prays for guidance and luck and strenght and for Shuuji and Akira, for their happiness. After, Nobuta bows lower than is common and leaves the flower as an offering.
She looks around, but does not see any of her ex-employers and so she walks to the little park near to practice her smile. Even when her lips curve upwards smoothly now, she feels a jolt of accomplishment when smiling to others, even if her partner is just a dog, it feels like the world is a little happier, a little brighter. Today, she even dares to touch the soft dark fur, the dog leaning into it and licking her hands gratefully, making her laugh.
*****
The next stop is Goyokudou bookstore. Which is currently closed.
Nobuta lingers for a little while, reading the different 'No ___' signs outside the store that Delphine uses to protect the world he has made for himself (read: so he could throw people out at whim). Sometimes, when they had free time, Mariko and she came here after classes, she to read all the signs while her friend perused the bookshelves.
There was always a new one.
Nobuta smiles crookedly looking down and turns around, colliding forehead first into someone.
"Shouldn't you be at school?" a gruff voice asks before his owner sidesteps her to open the door. Delphine leaves it open, which may or may not be an invitation to go inside. "Well, what are you waiting for?"
"Itsure shimazu" she comes into the store, amused at the first sign she encounters. It's a new one.
"Shouldn't you be at school?" Delphine asks again, putting down a tray with a steaming teapot and two cups into the little table she sat in after Bando chased her that first time. Mariko and she also came for the free tea they always got.
"Un, I'm excused from classes"
Delphine stares at her considering and then notices the suitcase she carries. "… Really now"
He occupies himself with serving the tea while Nobuta sits. She knows she doesn't have the time, but this may be the last time she comes into this world and she wants to savour every second of it; drinking all that is around her and trying to imprint everything into her memory.
"… I'm going to miss this place"
Nobuta doesn't notice she has said it aloud out loud until Delphine speaks. "There exist places where you can live your life anew"
Nobuta furrows her brows, wondering why that sounds so familiar, but is still confused as to what he's talking about. He must have noticed, because he continues. "But also, there are places where we find we can be ourselves without fear or struggle. For me, that place is here; the world I myself have created…" he lets her think on it for a little while sipping at his cup, savouring the warm of the tea and sigh contentedly. "If I ever feel sad or lonely, I know there's a place I can come back to. That's why I can keep going" Delphine smiles at her and she smiles back, touched to be welcomed into a place so treasured by someone. "… Have you found it yet? The place you can come back to"
Nobuta thinks deeply about it; about the place she has spent most time in this last month. The rooftop appears into her mind, with the abandoned inmobiliary and multiple pipes ready to make you trip; Shuuji's and Akira's presence there even when their bodies are far away. She remembers going there at the beginning of the year to smile at the sky, feeling sad and alone, but still hopeful and happy. Eating the bentos Mariko made for her while looking at the tall, tall buildings in the distance. How in the end, she found there all her sorrows and joys and hopes, the laughter and the tears. All together in the same place.
Nobuta nods, her smile widening. He gives a resolute nod, too. "Then, you can keep on going" he says and after she finishes her tea, Nobuta gets up and picks up her suitcase, new determination in her steps and the monster of a book under her arm.
Delphine waves at her from the door.
*****
The next stop is the Tofu-man's house. Which is currently closed.
There's a sign on the door that reads 'Closed for my trip to Kyushu. Coming back in a week'. It's the same sign that has been there since a week ago. Maruyama-san was suposed to be here today. She fingers what's inside the pocket of her jacket regretfully.
Nobuta knows that if she wants, she can enter from the back (Akira teached her how), but there's too much inside there that she can't face by herself. Too much memories and too much feelings and she hasn't stepped into the house since the boys transferred schools.
Of course she visited Maruyama-san (soy-milk is, aparently, something you can get addicted to), it's just that she never did get the courage to go upstairs.
She worries her lip for a while and, after sighing, turns around to keep going.
*****
The last stop is the train station. In front of which Mariko is currently standing, gaze down and expression troubled.
Nobuta stops and she may or may not have made some kind of sound in the back of her troath that alerts the taller girl of her presence, but the next thing she knows is that Mariko is in front of her, playing with the strap of her school bag and looking everywhere but her.
"Shouldn't you be at school?" Nobuta blurts out and it's until then that she notices Mariko really is wearing her uniform. Did she just break her perfect attendance record for her? Mariko shrugs impassively, trying for a concomitant look and puts a stray lock behind her ear, a sunny smile on her lips.
Sometimes, Nobuta thinks how unfair Mariko's pretty smile really is.
"It seems a friend of mine is moving away today. I went to her house this morning and was told about her sudden departure. I was really surprised, ne" Nobuta winces. Even when Mariko's words are not an acusation, she still feels guilty. "In such short notice, not many people could have come to see her off and I thought that was kind of lonely, ne, so I came"
Nobuta remembers how she wanted to smile for Shuuji when he decided to move away, to make him feel right with his own decision. Seeing the grateful smile he displayed in return is something she will never forget, something memorable and even at that moment, Shuuji teached her something. After all, Shuuji had always been a better person than her, even when he didn't think so of himself.
Because now that she has made the same decision, she's not sure she can do the same; smile in return, that is. She's not even sure she can stick to it in the first place. Mariko reads all her fears and doubts and takes Nobuta's suitcase to entwin their hands, tugging lightly.
"Come on, you'll lose the train if we stay here"
Mariko takes the lead, steady steps while Nobuta trips over her own feet even when looking down. When they reach the platform, they stand side by side, shoulders not quite touching; the people passing by look at them weirdly. They do not care.
"I thought... you would still be mad at me. After the other night. After this morning" she utters around the lump in her throath, her voice is soft and sad.
"I was mad" assures Mariko and the lump in Nobuta's throath drops down to her stomach, down to her legs and feet until it spills all over the floor, leaving her empty and pale. She thinks she wants to throw up and Mariko drops her hand, half-turns so the two of them are face to face.
The train chooses that moment to arrive, but they do not pay attention to it.
Nobuta's eyes widen in fright. In fact, her whole body reacts: heart constricting, stomach tightening into thick knots of tension, shoulders hunching defensively into herself, throath threathening to close up and sight blurring by tears.
"I was mad" she repeats, her voice is hard and serious, but there's also a little tremor in it that makes Nobuta look up. It's only then that she notices how Mariko's eyes are bloodshot and red. "I don't agree with the way you're doing things. In fact, I'm totally against it" Mariko sighs deeply, closes her eyes to calm herself down. "But, you're my best friend and I don't want you to go with the wrong idea of how I feel... I can understand your stance. Kind of. Am I making sense?"
She looks off reflectively, something Nobuta feels reluctant to interrumpt so she nods, but after a moment she can't just not ask what has been troubling her. "Can I really become a better person... this way?"
Mariko's eyes meet her own again. The question doesn't surprise her really. Nobuta's nature is second guess herself after all (a habit she hopes her friend will break in the –hopefully near- future), but the tone, the force of it does: a kind of veiled question that really asks something else: Am I really just running away? Will they understand? And if not, will they forgive me?
Unsure, hesitant, so hopeful and afraid at the same time. Because of this, she considers the question closely, for which Nobuta is glad. She hasn't answered yet when a mechanical voice reminds them they're running out of time. Mariko takes both of the shorter girl hands, craddling them into her own with a kind of urgency not even she herself understands.
"Once, you took on a world that belittled you, a world where it was a rule to pick on you and trip you to make you fall, but you faced it. You faced it and conquered it and made it your own. A world where you could live in. That's why I think that if it's Nobuta, then it will be ok"
Tears roll down both of their cheeks. Mariko knows that it'll take her at least an hour to wipe the most obvious signs of her crying from her face as she looks at Nobuta sniff delicately.
Sometimes, Mariko thinks how unfair is that Nobuta looks pretty when crying.
But then she thinks of all the times she had to 'practice' crying so it became pretty and is not fair at all.
The mechanical voice calls a last time for the passengers to board the train.
"You'd better go now"
Nobuta nods and takes her suitcase from Mariko, steps into the wagon just to step back, get something(s) out of her pocket and give it to Mariko. "For Shuuji and Akira... and for you too" Nobuta whispers and turns again, managing to squeeze herself in just as the doors are sliding closed. They look at each other just standing there and then Nobuta puts her right hand on her hip, lifts up her left hand in a sign peace, the Nobuta posse a clear intention.
Mariko smiles, suddenly remembering the first time she saw Nobuta executing it and copies the stance, both girls moving in synch. People have graduated to staring, but they still don't care. "Nobuta power, chunnyun!"
The train begins to move. "NOBUTA! GANBATTE!" Mariko shouts and receives a perfect smile for her efforts. "Ganbatte..."
She stays on the platform for a moment and then turns to make her way to the nearest exit, though she'll have to make a stopover at the bathroom first. She halts in her steps, though, at hearing a familiar voice shout a familiar name, but... no, she must be hearing things.
Mariko shakes her head and keeps going. If she hurries, she can make it to the second half of the classes.
*****
Katan-koto. Katan-koto. Katan-koto.
Nobuta puts her cell alarm ten minutes before the expected time arrival and closes her eyes. She has stopped crying just a few minutes ago and sighs contentedly, the weight of her decision seeming less of a burden now that Mariko has reassured her of its rightness. Was it this how Shuuji felt after all 2B went to see him off? If that is so, maybe she should have let the boys know of her intentions, but...
She sighs again, this time tired and longing, turning her gaze out the window.
Katan-koto. Katan-koto. Katan-koto.
The future still looks complicated and uncertain and just like the future ususally feels and right now she's too tired to think anymore. The only way she can tuck the paranoia away is when she slips under her concious, the katan-koto of the moving train just lulling her into oblivion and her eyes close without her consent. Just for a few minutes, Nobuta tells herself, but she ends up falling asleep.
In her dreams the sky is blue and the clouds look like they're smiling. There are two boys in their school uniforms chasing each other around the shore, falling into the sea and splashing one another even when they're already hopelessly wet, their hair sticking to their faces.
Their smiles are so big that they can't contain them into their own faces and the emotion they are born from spills all over her soul. Nobuta wishes she was there, but...
We... we can live our lives no matter where we are...
... she can hear his words as clearly as if she was there (even when the one that is really there does not).
In her dreams, Nobuta smiles.
And she hopes.
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no subject
Date: 2008-09-14 03:30 am (UTC)you and your drama fic. it's awesome.
*.* you read it!
Date: 2008-09-14 03:49 am (UTC)thanks for commenting!
why wouldn't i? :D
Date: 2008-09-14 05:49 pm (UTC)of course!
no subject
Date: 2008-10-07 12:33 am (UTC)Can't wait to see more!
no subject
Date: 2008-10-07 01:04 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-07 01:06 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-07 01:09 am (UTC)thanks for the encouragment.
also, i've got some responses to this part, but i was wondering if you read the prologue of the story?
no subject
Date: 2008-10-07 01:12 am (UTC)Yeah, I did, just today actually. Its made of awesome aswell but I thought seeing as I was reading it all in one go it would be annoying for you to get 2 comments from me in different places.
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Date: 2008-10-07 01:13 am (UTC)yeah, i tnd to do the same too, but i was just wondering. thank you again
no subject
Date: 2008-10-07 01:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2008-10-07 01:16 am (UTC)