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[personal profile] kriszeth
aka ::gasp:: after almost a year, i finally update. is anyone following this fic any way?

title: how to let go
disclaimer: i own nothing

step two: Stand Up!


Kiritani Shuuji is nothing but a pragmatic. He understands the way the world works and the way people work and creates a persona able to fit easily inside it, but with enough forethought to be able to step out of tricky situations he's better off not involved in (like karaoke and dates and relationships)... or that was how it once was.

The Shuuji now though, still a pragmatic at heart, does not try to please anyone else but himself (and maybe Akira. Sometimes. If only to stop the whining). Which is hard at the best of times and a total pain the rest; but if Nobuta ever teach him something, was that it was ok to be your own self, no matter the insecurities nor the fear of not being good enough or kind enough or, even sometimes, just enough. Still, this Kiritani Shuuji does not go out of his way to please people only to gain popularity.

Maybe because being popular in Kyuushu is almost effortless. Well, not really. Being popular is easier, because he doesn’t have to really do anything to be popular. He’s the newbie, so that entitles interest from his classmates; he is a Tokyo boy, the closest thing to the big city most of this people will ever get, so that makes him cool and the one everyone wants to befriend (aside from Akira); he’s Akira’s friend (the insanely rich boy that has a helicopter at his disposition to go places. Like Bush!), the sidekick to put it one way and that, by association, makes him popular. It’s almost disappointing, really.

The game is the same, though, only that he’s learned that if you must play, you better decide on three things at the start: the rules of the game, the stakes and the quitting time... or so Johnny-shashou has told him. Sometimes, Shuuji worries about Akira, of this kind of drifting away from each other they have going on, each one doing their own thing without the other really knowing what the other is really doing or why they're doing them.

When Akira learns about Shuuji's new job, he pouts and whines about being left behind, ending up in the phone with Nobuta until midnight on a school week, moaning pitifully about how lonely he'll be without his best friends. Shuuji feels too guilty to lecture him about the rules.

The next day after school, Akira follows him sullenly to his part-time job, giving the place a once over before going right back out without saying anything. Shuuji thinks maybe he'll go back home alone and feels even guiltier about the whole thing, to the point of almost wanting to resign. It's the reality check that someday (he hopes is a far, very far away day), there won't be a Nobuta or an Akira by his side what stops him from doing so. The weekends he has spent by himself are proof of that.

"So, is this a kind of get back at me for leaving you alone on weekends?" Akira asks when Shuuji comes into the room after a numbing hot bath for his weary muscles (who'd thought there were so many things to dust and move on a store? Shuuji wonders if he'll manage to get up for school tomorrow on time).

"What? Of course not!" Shuuji frowns, standing beside his bed, because he knows that if he touches it, he'll be out like a light and he wants to clear whatever misconception Akira has gotten into his head before that happens.

"Then why the so sudden interest in surfing? You don't even like sports" Akira mutters, his mouth a sullen pout. Uncompromising.

Shuuji feels a prickle of anger grow inside of him, but tries to repress it. "I do like sports! I like baseball, I even was on a team on junior high if you didn't know!"

"Still, baseball and surfing are two totally different things! Or is it that you're just trying to appear cool again? Is being popular all that matters to you?"

Akira is only sad, Shuuji knows, but that doesn't give him the right to judge him as if he knew everything about him; because he does not. They may be friends and Akira is one of the closest people he's ever had, but that doesn't mean the boy can bring fort parts of his history that make Shuuji ashamed and self-conscious and use them against him.

"Why are you interrogating me? What – what gives you the right to do so? Wether I like baseball or surfing, what's it to you? It's not like I question what you do when you're away on weekends!" Shuuji's voice is loud and shrill, hurt and angry.

"So this is revenge, is it?" Akira's accusing tone is high pitched and grating as he points a finger at Shuuji while getting up. Shuuji can only sputter incredulous.

The door opening with a bang stops them for saying anything hurtful, breaking the tension inside the room. "Hello, boys!"

"Mom! When did you come back?!" Shuuji is able to ask before he's swept in a motherly hug that makes him blush embarrassed. "Mom!"

His mother laughs before letting go and pay attention to the other occupant of the room, who watches the reunion with a weird look, like longing, but Shuuji is too busy trying to appear dignified to notice. Nobuko's gaze becomes warm and her voice is soft and soothing when she speaks. "And you must be Akira-kun, Tou-san has told me so much about you!"

"Hai. Nice to meet you, Kiritani-mama" Akira bows respectfully, a rosy hue painting his cheecks at being caught staring, which makes him unprepared for the hug Kiritani Nobuko gives him. Akira freezes.

"Welcome to our house and thank you for taking care of my son" she squeezes him and slowly Akira answers the hug. Shuuji's mother give him a couple of pats before detaching herself and the boy takes a step back relucantly.

"Actually, it's the other way around. I think" Akira says bashfully, staring at the floor. It makes Nobuko smile.

"Is that so?" she asks, not really expecting an answer and looks at her son candidly. Shuuji averts his gaze. "Anyway, tomorrow you two have school, so it'll be better if you get to sleep" she says, clapping her hands in a matronly way. Both boys look at each other, averting their eyes promptly and heading to their own beds.

"I'm not a kid anymore" Shuuji almost whines when his mother tries to tuck him in, but still lets her. He can only see his mother a handful of times and Shuuji really misses her when she's gone, so he indulges her whims when she's in the house. Akira snickers from his bed prompting a glare from Shuuji, but that only makes him giggle more. Nobuko's smile grows. When was the last time Shuuji acted like the kid he was in front of her? Or in front of someone else for that matter?

"Stop pouting" she chides goodnaturedly as she turns toward Akira's bed, who lies down obediently, letting her tuck him in.

"Arigatou" Akira says softly and Nobuko pats his head. It makes the boy purr in contentment and Nobuko suppresses a giggle of her own. Were high school boys this cute nowadays?

"I'll turn the light out now, so good night" she bids, receiving sleepy Oyasumi-es. Nobuko is getting out when an unusually shy Shuuji calls her back. "What is it?"

"Will you still be here? In the morning?" he asks, looking warily hopeful. It's times like this when Nobuko wonders if it's worth it, to spend so much time away from home, away from her family.

"Yes, but I'll probably not be here once you come back from school"

Shuuji closes his eyes and nods reluctantly. "I'll head to my part-time job right after school anyway"

Nobuko's heart clenches a little. "I'll make breakfast for you tomorrow" she decides and shushes Shuuji when he tries to protest about how she needs all the rest she can get. "I'll have plenty of sleep in the plane, don't worry" and bends down to kiss his son's forehead.

There's a moment of silence after Nobuko closes the door behind her.

"Moms are awesome, aren't they?" Akira says in a soft and sleepy voice that makes Shuuji smile, somehow glad her mother stopped them from saying something they'll regret come morning. They'll still have to talk about it of course, but it doesn't feel foreboding anymore.

Shuuji closes his eyes. "Yeah", he mumbles already dreaming of pancakes and maple syrup. "Yeah, they are"

*****
Akira takes to tag along with Shuuji everyday to his part-time job after a couple of weeks going home alone. Sometimes he follows Shuuji like a puppy inside the store pointing at everything and saying the most annoying things, laughing without reason while trying to talk in horrible english with Johnny-shashou. "He speaks japanese fluently, you know?"

Sometimes, Akira waits outside the store and does homework, though most often than not he ends up chatting up with the customers. Sometimes Shuuji waits for Jhonny-shashou to get exasperated by Akira and fire him, but that doesn't happen. And sometimes Shuuji worries about Akira getting bored and look for better and more interesting friends with lots of free time and leave him behind, but that hasn't happened yet either

Sometimes, Shuuji looks at Akira, in this environment, his voice a childish whine most often than not, worried he'd come across as a hidrance to his boss or the customers; but really looking at him, Akira is the most comfortable in his skin, picking up handfuls of sand and watching fascinated as the dirt pours through his fingers. It makes Shuuji envious.

Inevitably, Shuuji changes, a little here and there so that he doesn't really notice it until Akira or Nobuta points it out. He learns to say No without felling guilty (he never learns how to say no to Akira, though); he learns to keep his promises; he stops thinking about how much fun it'll be to do this or that, and instead has fun doing them; he takes risks, takes his life in his own hands, determines his own path.

Ironically, it begins when he takes surf as his new hobbie. He's never been a big fan of sports (his past passion with baseball notwithstanding), but surf is something equal parts scaring and exciting. Johnny-shashou has this proverbial life metaphor made out of surfing, but to Shuuji surfing means freedom, no more and no less.

Winter gives way to spring, becomes summer, turns into autumn whizzes into cold and dreary mornings once again and by the time Shuuji notices, it's been almost a year since he last saw Nobuta. Sometimes, Akira whines about going back to visit, but Akira's own weekend escapades it's what makes that trip to Tokyo kind of difficult. Shuuji's part-time job does not help either, and Nobuta always sounds to be busy on her letters and mails, doing this and that project for one photography contest or another video competition, having taken up her club activities seriously. Shuuji can almost feel her exciment when she receives a prize or a recognition for her work, pride blooming in his chest at Nobuta's accomplishments, like a proud father over his daughter's first steps.

Sometimes, distance hangs over them like a heavy shadow, but then a new letter arrives or there's a new mail in his inbox with pictures attached, like when Mariko won her first match as a team captain or the bentou Mariko teach her how to prepare, or the photos of the new haunting house 3B made for the school festival and the distance becomes bearable.

Little by little, things begin falling into place, creating a feeling of contentment inside him, of rightness, of how everything it's finally ok.

That's when the dreams begin.
*****

As with any other normal person, Shuuji's fears run wild and free as his rational side steps back in favor of the realm of dreams once he closes his eyes to sleep. So, it's not really surprising that he wakes up drenched in sweat, breath erratic and fast, his heart hammering away as a pronounced frown moseys in his face.

He turns his head towards Akira's bed when he hears an exasperated groan, spying the disgruntled expression in his friend's face, the body tense and Shuuji wonders what is Akira dreaming. It doesn't look like a nightmare, but it stills seems to upset the boy enough to show in his body language.

Shuuji spents the next half of an hour staring at Akira, trying to determine if the boy'll wake up, but when it doesn't happen, Shuuji gets up and does his bed silently; he knows he won't be falling asleep again. He pads in socked feet out of the room and towards the kitchen to prepare himself some coffe. He'll need the bust of caffeine to survive the day.

He opts for watching the sunrise on the little balcony outside the living room. At this time of night, or morning actually, is quiet enough to hear the rumble of the waves in the distance, the soothing toing and froing of water meeting the sand, the salty breeze, which is a little cold, but bearable with the warmn near spring brings. (It reminds him that soon, he'll graduate. That they will graduate. It’s a welcome feeling, even if it kinds of fills him with dreadful anticipation).

It makes him itch to take his surfboard and walk to the beach and ride the waves and stop worrying about his dreams, but alas, the need to escape from them makes them all the more real. There's this gnawing worry eating him inside out and the fact that they hadn't received any word of Nobuta in the last couple of months makes the worry increase.

It had been hectic lately, what with studying for the entrance exam to Todai -which is his one and only option. Shuuji may not be a model student, but he understands what kind of opportunities a good education bring fort, so he has set himself to enter the most prestigious university there is (and public education is always cheaper).

Akira has finally brought him along into his special training (which were extra classes to learn how to take over the business of his father) and they've been helping each other. The reason why Nobuta hasn't written is partially that. Early on, they had discovered Akira couldn't focus on studying when he was more interested in getting Nobuta to pay him attention (consequently, Nobuta couldn't pay attention to anything else either), so another rule had been installed. There wouldn't be communication of any kind until exam period was over. As a kind of reward, they could make a phone call that would not last more than two hours.

So, it really wasn't that something bad had happened. Nobuta must still be studying for her own entrance exams... he hopes. Shuuji strokes one handed the clay back of the charm pig that usually stands sentry by his bed along Akira's own. Lately, he's been carrying it around everywhere he goes, unable to keep away from it, as if keeping it closer would bring comfort, like a security blanket.

Still, the dreams doesn't stop being disturbing. Shuuji has had his fair share of lucid dreams, but this one somehow feels like that nightmare with Aoi commiting suicide, which doesn't help matters. It makes him wonder, not for the first time, if the charm has some kind of magic that binds the three of them together, though he is not sure if he's happy or afraid of having to go to sleep, because everytime Shuuji closes his eyes the anxiousness begin.

It's always the same. Shuuji finds himself dressed in his old uniform, favorite scarf snuggly around his neck and school bag on his shoulder. It looks as any other day after classes, the last rays of the setting sun painting in orange and red hues the empty classroom in which he stands alone. For a moment, at first, he wonders why is he there, when the soft murmur of a broken sob reaches him (Nobuta?) and then the shadow of Akira passes running through the hallway outside the classrom.

Wait! He dashes after him, though he loses sight of his friend rapidly. Still, the crying doesn't stop and he can't catch him. Shuuji runs, cursing Akira and trying not to worry. It's going to be alright. It has to be. They just have to find Nobuta and then everything would be ok.

It feels hopeless, though. It feels as if time moves slower than it should but at the same time, there's not time enough to find her, desperation and worry growing inside him. If feels like that time when Bando was chasing Nobuta all over the school and Shuuji couldn't find her, only a thousand times worse, because he can hear Nobuta crying and why is he so sure the pitiful incessant murmur comes from her?

The flashes he keeps catching of Akira lead him to the rooftop and somehow, up the stairs, it feels like he'll be able to find her and everything will be ok. Finally. But then, once his feet touch the last step, Shuuji wakes up, chest heaving as if he had been running a marathon, his heart in his throath and wanting to cry of sheer powerlessness of not being able to even find Nobuta and confort her, not being able to ask what's wrong and do something, anything to make it better, Nobuta's name in the tip on his tonge, left unsaid.

When Shuuji opens his eyes, sunrise has long since passed, sunlight spilling everywhere. He blinks and his lashes are wet, his chest a painful void, the echo of Nobuta's name resounding in his mind. The pig in his white knuckled grasp does not break, surprisingly.

Akira watches Shuuji from inside, one hand cradling his own charm close to his heart while the other crushes his cellphone and he mouths the name Shuuji can't bring himself to say.

Because if they do, it'll only make the dreams (nightmares) come true.

*****

Shuuji's classmates have decided that they've had enough of Shuuji and Akira moping around the school like zombies. "It's no cool, man" they say, so they plan a goukon with some pretty girls that have been eyeing them last year before graduating.

"College girls" one tries to entice with a leer, Shuuji doesn't care which one. It's Friday night and he was hoping to stay at home glued to the sofa waiting for a call from Nobuta, since entrance exam period would be finally over and they have at least a month to lay back and enjoy uninterrupted communication with her before final exams begin. So it's not surprising he's more interested on his cellphone than the karaoke date around him.

Akira is no better, paying more attention to Shuuji fiddling with his phone than the girl beside him trying to get him to chat with her, one hand inside the pocket of his jacket fingering his own cellphone. The rest of their classmates send them pointed glares that both ignore.

Half an hour into the out-of-tune singing, Shuuji's phone goes off and in the impression he drops it. Akira dives for it under the little center table, only succeeding in bumping his head on the edge while Shuuji curses as he fishes for it too, only that the thing has vibrated to the other side of the table. One of the girls picks it up to give it back and it's surprised when Shuuji snatches it away from her and leaves the room without a word, Akira hot on his heels.

"Moshi, moshi? Shuuji desu" he answers breathless, Akira's chin on his shoulder trying to listen in, waiting for something (Nobuta's voice, a sigh, anything), but the caller hangs up. Shuuji bits his tongue to stop a swear while he looks in his call log for the number (it has the area code from Tokyo, though he doesn't recognize the number), but he's sent to voice mail when redialing. He hangs before the recorded message finishes and tries again with the same luck.

Sakamoto (the classmate that orchestrated this get-together) comes after them looking livid. "What do you think you're doing? Go back in there and apologize to Isaki-chan!" he demands.

"We're really, really sorry!" Shuuji gives a hurried bow before heading to the exit. "Let's go, Akira."

Sakamoto is too stunned by Shuuji's look of determination to say anything while Kusano skips after the other boy. "Are we going to call Nobuta?" it's the last thing he hears before he loses sight of them.

*****

Nobuta doesn't answer. Not to her cellphone or her house phone, not to e-mails or letters or messages of any kind. When he tried calling his old classmates, they were reluctant to say anything beside a "She's well" or "She's not sick" and even an annoyed "If Kotani hasn't called back maybe it means she has graduated of the likes of you, don't you think?" from Aoi, though it lacked her usual cruelty, which only served to heighten Shuuji's worry.

Days become weeks become months and by the time Shuuji notices, it's time to go back to Tokyo for Todai's results. Shuuji would be lying if he says he's not anxious about the results, but his eagerness may be a little misplaced. Akira is giddy.

The train ride is long and exhausting, but that may be only for Shuuji though. Akira can't stay still and his restlessness seems to bother the other commuters, but Shuuji is too preoccupied to scold him. His thoughts are so filled with Nobuta, that it surprises Shuuji when Akira proposes to first go and see the results; he even sounds sensible, which should have tipped Shuuji of something being off, but he just ends up following Akira. As always.

Being accepted into Todai makes him happy, though this happiness may be misplaced too (they'll be closer to Nobuta again, maybe they'd even be on the same university, didn't she say she would take the entrance exam to Todai?). Akira just sighs relieved, while Shuuji grins and whoops and takes his hand with the clear intention to drag him all the way to Tokoyo to give Nobuta the good news (Maybe Nobuta also has good news for us, he thinks), but his plans are spoiled when reaching the gates.

There is a long and sleek black car awaiting to take them directly to Kusano-san's building. Akira looks sad and resigned and offers Shuuji for the driver to take him to downtown Tokyo to see Nobuta. For a moment, Shuuji wants to accept, but one look at the desolate expression in Akira's face takes the decision out of him.

"We can always go after you talk with your father" he says, making Akira smile, though the gesture doesn't reach his eyes.

Shuuji waits for Akira in the lobby outside the president's office after a phonecall to relate the good news to his family. He's a little worried when only silence greets his ears, since he's more accustomed at the shouting matches those two tend to partake in. The conference lasts the better part of the evening, and with every passing hour, Shuuji's hope to visit Nobuta flies out the window.

It's almost ten at night when Akira gets out, feet dragging tiredly behind him, but there's this accomplished aura around him that makes his smile an honest one and then Akira gives him a thumbs up. The laugh bubbles up from Shuuji without reason and Akira follows, their chuckles making a happy echo in the empty place.

"It's too late to go visit Nobuta now" Shuuji says as they ride the elevator down, watching the rivers of light become long lines of polluting cars, touring the never sleeping Tokyo's night life. Akira winces and shrinks into himself like a naughty kid being scolded.

"Sorry" he says in a pitiful voice, twiddleing his thumbs. Shuuji sighs. It's not that he's mad, but more like disillusioned with life. Being left to his own devices for hours with nothing to do, has made him turn to himself and analize his own situation, how somewhere along the way, sometime as the three of them began to grow up, they also grew apart. Not in the sense of not considering themselves close friends anymore, but in the way that their everyday life overlapped with the desire to spend time with each other, and this was just the beginning of it all. It was a painful and sad thing to be aware of.

"I wanted to" Shuuji confesses embarrassed. Akira blinks confused while Shuuji pointedly avoids looking directly to his face. "For a moment, I almost accepted the offer to go and see Nobuta alone"

He looks so contrite and ashamed of himself, but Akira just smiles gently and pokes him in the nose with a 'kon'.

"Shuuji shouldn't feel bad for things he only thought" he reassures standing beside Shuuji and bends a little, hooks their arms at the elbow and tilts his head so it rests on Shuuji's shoulder. "It's only what Shuuji does what counts"

It makes Shuuji smile a little, but his smile is dimmed by the bleak outline of their present and future. The rest of the ride down is spent in silence, foretelling the way the ride back to Kyuushu will be. Akira falls asleep almost as soon as he gets inside another long and sleek black car (probably foreigner), head still propped onto Shuuji's shoulder. The angle can't be comfortable, but Akira would not be deterred by cricks in the neck tomorrow morning. Shuuji entertains himself looking outside the window and thinks some more.

In march, Akira and him will graduate from highschool, and by then they would have spent more time apart from Nobuta than together. Aren't they still young? Supposed to be able to do whatever they want whenever? If things keep going this way, soon all they will worry about would be jobs and time tables and a multitude of other things only adults deem absolutely necessary in order to live. All in all, it's a little daunting and overwhelming.

Frankly, it sucks.
*****

They don't go up to the rooftop anymore. It's like an unspoken rule between the two of them, without Nobuta, going up to pass the time is not an option. Or maybe it's just because going up brings fort too many memories and make them feel incomplete. So, it's with a heavy feeling that Shuuji decides to go up after a fruitless search of the school premises for Akira.

His steps make echo into the empty halls while the PA system reverberates with the speech the president of the student council has prepared for this evening. Graduation Ceremonies are such a bore, but still, he should be on the gymnasium conveniently converted into a conference hall with the other students, where his family is and where Akira's father is and where Akira himself should be, only that he has gone MIA on him.

Shuuji couldn't have sat still in that oppressing atmosphere of nervous anticipation by himself, so he took the first chance to slip out unnoticed (all that practice sneaking around not to get caught meeting Akira and Nobuta before has sure paid out) to go and look for his friend. And maybe scold him a little.

Walking around an empty school is creepy, but it also feels as if he's saying goodbye to it. "I can't believe I'm graduating already" he whispers to himself, reaching the stairs that'll take him to the rooftop. It's the first time he's using them and suddenly it feels kind of like a tough task to accomplish.

"Maybe he's not up there, after all" he mumbles, looking up dubiously, but then he feels a gust of wind coming down with a whistle. "So much for that" he mutters unhappy and treks up resigned.

The door is partly open and the hinges squeak when he prods it to be able to pass through, making him cringe. And there's Akira, in the edge of the roof with the sunset as a backdrop; his back is rigid and he looks ridiculously serious, hands inside the pockets of his pressed slacks.

Shuuji hates the way how lately Akira looks almost always serious and hard to approach. In the past year, Shuuji thought himself to be growing bigger and stronger and more independent, while Akira seemed to stay still (not really) and Shuuji kept expecting him to mature as well, but it felt as if that never would really happen... only that it did and Shuuji is not sure he likes it.

Because Akira is not supposed to be serious. Akira is supposed to be this big and dumb kid whose only purpose in life is to annoy him and invade his personal space. Akira's supposed to be random and whine for everything and be spoiled and loud and obnoxious. The Akira he knows will shout non-sense with a mega-phone in english and embarrass him and... Akira's supposed to tell him things, tell him everything, not be silent and take everything on himself and... Akira's supposed to make him part of his life, supposed to be Shuuji's best friend! But no matter how much Shuuji tries to close this invisible bridge between them, he's always left behind.

There’s an unhappy frown on Shuuji’s face that softens when Akira whispers his name, adding a question mark to it. "Shuuji?"

He blinks and suddenly he's beside Akira and how did that happen? Akira looks at him patiently, as if inquiring what is Shuuji thinking about and his stare is so welcoming and proding and expectant and...

"I've been dreaming with Nobuta" he finally blurts out, not sure why he confesses to this, his heart clenching at the simple mention of his fears, but, at the same time, finally lifting the weigth of them from his chest and it feels easier to breath.

"I know" answers Akira softly, which returns Shuuji's frown to its former place. "She needs us..." he continues, voice firm and certain, still, the doubts surface in Shuuji.

"But... what if she doesn't want us to help? She hasn't gotten back to us" Shuuji sulks, feeling childish and petulant, but then "What if something really bad happened and she can't contact us?"

Akira's knuckles turn white, but there's still a smile on his face, however forced it seems. It's until then that Shuuji notices the ugly dark circles under Akira's eyes, how his pouty lips are chapped and abused, how his eyes are hard and focused. His features somehow look grown up and determined and suddenly Shuuji can't see his friend by his side, but the man Akira is wont to become in the future, calm and collected and, more than anything, a man with power at his disposition and the knownlegde of how to use it. It makes Shuuji feel inadequate.

"Can't you feel it?" Akira asks and he is back to his normal self, insecure and childish and Shuuji sighs relieved, even when his friend stares at him sad and desperate and, most of all, longing. "Can't you feel her calling for us? To us?"

Shuuji wants to say no, wants to ask what Akira is talking about, but that would be a downright lie. Because he knows he hasn't been the only one looking at Nobuta in dreams, only that Akira is more stuborn than him and he would force himself to stay inside them until he gets kicked out of bed by his own body's needs; especially if Nobuta was involved. Shuuji wonders how he could have been so blind, so selfish.

"Then, let's go" Shuuji says, plans already forming in his head, wondering how is he going to tell their parents about this sudden trip, and what about the reservation his father made months ago for this day? How his mother made arragements and fought her boss to be here this day. Still, he wants to be reckless and the kind of person that would do anything for his friends, he wants to be passionate about friendship like his father once said. "Dad would understand, wouldn't he? That Nobuta needs us, that we need to go to her"

A smile blossoms in Akira's face, his eyes lighting up and Shuuji wonders when was the last time Akira had smiled like that.

"WE'RE GOING BACK HOME!" he shouts in english towards the distant ocean, his hands cupping in his mouth for lack of his megaphone and then looks back at him. "Let's go back to her"

*****

Eventhough sometimes thinking about recklessness makes you feel free and, well, reckless, reality tends to crash your plans. Reality tends to be represented by the voice of reason, i.e. your parents. So Shuuji and Akira find themselves boarding the first train to Tokyo until next morning.

The ride seems to be long and never ending (although Shuuji is sure the train'll arrive at the designated time printed on his ticket), filled with anxiousness and Nobuta and nervewracking and why aren't we there yet?

He's a little ashamed to say he expected Akira to be the one asking that kind of questions every other minute, but the other boy only seems to be deeply in thought while looking outside the window, though that doesn't minimize the unconscious fidgeting. It's a good thing, Shuuji thinks, because if he focuses on Akira he won't keep looking his watch compulsively and Akira has proved to be, on more than one occasion, an endless source of distraction (mostly on those long hours in the shack without customers and nothing to dust).

When they reach Tokyo, Akira is the first one to get up and run over the other passengers towards the exit. "At least carry your own luggage" Shuuji grumbles under his breath and prepares to excuse his friend, embarrased at the glares the other passengers shoot him as he passes through.

On the platform, Akira has conquered a bench, getting up on it to take a better look around. "Are you crazy?!" he rushes towards his friend, trying to pull him down by the sleeve. "If a guard sees you we'll be in trouble" Shuuji hisses, but is ignored.

Akira's looking for something or someone and Shuuji's heart twinges with a hope he avoids to acknowledge, least it breaks and looks around too, cranning his neck since he lacks Akira's height. The faster we find whatever's Akira looking for, the better, muses Shuuji, but he sees nothing.

"What are you looking for, for starters?" he grumbles by principle.

"I thought..." Akira mumbles sadly, beginning to look more and more heartbroken. "It's just... I-" he gives up with a sigh and after a last disheartened look around, he gets down from the bench.

"I thought I heard-- Never mind, let's go" he takes his bag from Shuuji and passes through a couple of guards without paying them any heed. Shuuji frowns and gives a concentious look aroung, making a double-take when he catches a glimpse of a little cartoon pig attached to a school bag, but it dissapears between the sea of people quickly.

Shuuji wonders if you can hallucinate from wistfulness. "Akira! Wait!" he runs to catch up with his friend.

*****

After another nerve-wracking and endless ride, this time on a taxi, Shuuji stands at the entrance of his old highschool while Akira takes care of the finances. There are students mingling around the premises and Shuuji takes a look at his watch.

"Lunch break" he whispers and takes another glance to the sea of faces in the yard, trying to spot a familiar one.

"Shuuji?" Akira asks, already heading towards the genkan and he follows, wondering if Akira has always been this forward. He jogs a little to reach his friend, who is already putting on a pair of sandals for visitors, gathering some stares.

"First we need to go to the teachers office and ask for permission, though I doubt Katherine will oppose" Shuuji proposes, because he knows Akira just want to go to 3B and meet Nobuta already. Shuuji leads the way, trying to asses everything around him. Nothing has changed, but somehow, everything feels as if it has.

There a lots of new faces, mostly first years, since this is the first floor so it shouldn't be surprising. There are whispers and giggles at their wake and Shuuji feels filled with confidence and old homesickness. How many times had he used this hallways, offering fake smiles and easily broken promises to old peers? Or how about that time with all the anxiousness and worry while looking around the school for the new girl when he got notice of Bando chasing her? The distressing feeling on the cultural festival, rushing from one place to another trying to finish all those tasks everyone piled on him because he couldn't say no? The acomplished feeling afterwards and the tired ache all over his abused body. All those memories, good and bad and many more where engraved all over this place, like Delphine's signature was engraved into the wall behind a chest of drawers in his old classroom.

He's so lost in thought, it's no surprise the tackle knocks him down. For a moment, all Shuuji sees are stars and there's this annoying squeaking in his ears. Oh, wait, there are words too.

"Shuuuuuuuuuuji~ you're baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack~~" it says.

Shuuji blinks and focuses in the ball of energy that is crushing him. "Shittaka?" he wheezes and gets several nods in answer. Shuuji wonders if the boy over him doens't feel the whipslash already, but getting air back into his lungs is more important now. "Move!" he prompts.

"Sorry, Shuuji" Tani says, grabbing Shittaka by the neck of his cardigan and pulling him off Shuuji to then helps him get to his feet. "We made a bet" he says as way of explanation for the hyperactiveness of the boy, who looks even younger than the last time he saw him if that is posible.

"Yeah, about how many sweets he could stuff in his mouth" Akaishi intervenes with a smile and then all 2B, make that 3B, is crowding the hallway.

"We didn't know he would swallow, though" adds Bunta with a smile, patting his shoulder.

"He's worse than Kusano ever was" James laughs and even when it seems his japanese has gotten better, he's still as KY as ever. Everyone makes him hand signals to shut up, but James just frowns uncomprehending. "What?"

There's a moment of tense silence and Shuuji smirks, "Kusano is right behind you"

James' face pales and jumps behind Shuuji after looking over his shoulder to confirm that yes, Kusano is right behind him, cocking an eyebrow. Shuuji supposes is all because of those rumours about Akira kicking Bando's boyfriend ass, though he never asked Akira about it to confirm them.

"Where's Nobuta?" is all Akira asks. Everyone around him blinks blankly and then look around the others to see if anyone knows who this 'Nobuta' is.

"Ara, didn't she tell you?" a voice in the back answers and the students open a path to let Aoi Kasumi pass, mocking smile and all. "You're too late, Kotani has already left us"

Akira growls, stepping forward with the clear intention to obtain answers, whatever the means. Shuuji grabs him by the sleeve and even when Akira's bulkier the light tug stops him and he contents himself with just glaring daggers at the girl.

"What do you mean?" Shuuji's voice is controlled, but it reverberates in the sudden silence with an ominous feeling that makes shivers go down the spines of all present. Never had those around him heard this tone of voice in Shuuji, except for Aoi, whose smile turns into a smirk. She sure looks like she's enjoying all this, Shuuji thinks.

"What is all this crowding the hallway you have going on?!" demands a loud voice that is obviously Katherine's and once again the sea of students part to show her imposing slim frame. Her hair is loose and looks like a dark aura framing her pale face, one of her menacing sneers firmly on place to subdue any petty quarrels so normal between students. It dissapears when she catches a look of Shuuji and Akira, her eyes lightening with comprehension, before a slight sadness enters them.

"Kusano, Kiritani, aren't you supposed to be on Kyushu?" she asks.

Shuuji bows in respect and nudges Akira to do the same when he keeps glaring at Aoi. "We have already graduated" he explains, appeasing smile already in place. "We thought on coming back to visit and attend the graduation ceremony of our old friends"

"What friends?" Akira mutters so only Shuuji hears him. "I just came to see Nobuta"

Shuuji elbows his friend, this time connecting with Akira's ribs, making him wheeze. Shuuji winces, smile still firmly placed by pure force of will. Katherine's eyes are bright with amusement, as if she had heard Akira's words. Shuuji doesn't put it past her.

"Well, that's very good and all, but as you see..." she cuts herself and the buzzer to signal the start for next class chooses this moment to ring, pulling off discontented groans from the students "it's time for class"

Everyone begin grumbling and muttering and Katherine's expression turns sour. "EVENTHOUGH FINAL EXAMS ARE OVER" she talks louder and over the whines of all the alumni present, her voice going back to normal once everyone shut up, "classes end until this Friday, so now, please go back to your classroom. I'm sure Kusano and Kiritani can join you later when classes are over"

Shuuji winces at the promise Katherine makes for them, knowing that he can't get out of it now, his smile turning down into a frown. "Isn't it so, boys?" she sneers menacingly and Shuuji laughs without humor when everyone looks at him hopefully, sharing a glance with Akira, who shrugs.

"Karaoke?" he asks with a grimace when Akira sends him a displeased glare. Shuuji claps decided. "Yeah, karaoke. What about karaoke? The usual place? We'll see you there after class" he says winningly and everyone agrees, giving him pats when passing and biding him a cheerful "Bicycle", all smiles and loud jokes, heading to the classroom, leaving Akira and him alone with Katherine. Shuuji looks after them with a soft look. Maybe I can go to the karaoke later, at least for a little while.

But first...

"Nobuta-" he turns to look at Katherine, stops for a moment. "I mean, Nobuko, Kotani Nobuko, where is she?" he asks. Akira looks at her the same way 3B looked at him not even five minutes ago, but his puppy-eyed look doesn't affect Katherine.

"Ah, yes. Kotani" she says, turning around and walking towards the teachers office. The both of them share another glance before following her towards the stairs that'll take them there.

"Shuuji?" a soft question stops them.

Mariko stands in the last step, a surprised expression in her sweet face, school bag on her shoulder. Shuuji thinks the worst.

"Are you alright?" he asks, worried, looking her up and down trying to see if she's hurt or sick. Her eyes are a little swollen and red, as if she had been crying and something twists unpleasantly in Shuuji's stomach. It hadn't been because of a boy, had it?

"You're late, Uehara", Katherine chides lightly, answering Shuuji's question. Her usual good humor touches the smile on her mouth as Katherine hurries upstairs towards a blushing Mariko to pat her on the shoulder with her fan (when had she taken it out?). "Just the girl I wanted to see"

Mariko's smile is a little crooked in uncertainty when Katherine's arm passes over her shoulders on a one-sided hug. "Would you be so kind as to keep company to these boys till classes are over?"

"E-eh? B-but, I still have classes" she stutters. Katherine grins jovially.

"Don't mind, don't mind. After all, aren't final exams over? Also, since this is my request, you can freely skip classes!" with a final pat on her shoulder and a laugh, Katherine turns around, fanning herself while she hums loudly.

Shuuji thinks he shouldn't be surprised at Katherine's double-standar ways. After all, Katherine is only being herself, character more fitting for the pages of a manga than the real world. The three of them look at each other uncertainly.

"So, um, do you have a place in mind you want to go to?" Mariko asks trying to lift the heavy atmosphere. Shuuji glances at Akira before answering.

*****

The three of them together is an awkward affair. Shuuji fidgets, trying to think of a way to ask where Nobuta is while Akira tries to give him a little space with Mariko, though his presence is still felt, tettering in the border of Shuuji and Mariko's relationship, though there never really was one.

I have no desire to date her, he remembers thinking. To use my already short highschool years with something like that, is just a little too stupid.

Shuuji glances at Mariko shyly and remembers his smug smile when the two of them used to walk side by side in the school hallways. They're watching. Everyone is watching, he'd think then, basking under the envious and admiring stares of everyone. Well, of course they are. We are the ideal couple afer all.

It makes him feel ashamed of his old self. It also makes him glad to have met Nobuta and Akira. Without them, where would he be now? What kind of person would have I grow into?, he wonders.

In the end, they end up in the rooftop, where everything began. This moment, this place; it feels so much like last time, when Mariko told him about Aoi finally revealing herself to Nobuta as her bully. It makes him wonder if he'll have to stand outside Nobuta's apartment again, shouting for her to open the door, knowing the girl will be crying her heart out on the other side but will not ask for their help.

"I'm sure you have questions" Mariko watches the clouds pass by, back to her companions while she says this.

Shuuji glances at Akira, who seems preocupied with the pipes that had made him trip so many times before, but he knows by his friend's furrowed brows his focus is on the girl that won't face them.

"Nobuta... where is she?" Shuuji enquires, feeling as if he has asked the same thing too many times and because he can't contain it anymore. "Is she in trouble? Why have been everyone avoiding answering when we ask? First 3B and then Katherine. Not even Maruyama-san knew what has been going on with her since a couple of months ago and now you... Just. We're worried and no one is telling us what's happening with her"

Mariko clutches the fence and sighs long and deep before turning around, seemingly determined, but mostly sad. "Nobuko-chan... she's fine. Well, as fine as someone can be in her situation. I mean... her mother just died and..."

"Wait, what?" Shuuji suddenly needs to sit down and so he does, letting himself fall down on a tatered chair. All this time without them knowing, without even having any idea of what Nobuta, one of his dearest friends, was going through, without beign able to say or do anything.

"I don't understand" Shuuji mumbles, his eyes as wide as platters as he looks up into Mariko's compassionate eyes. "Why? Just. Why didn't she call? Why did nobody...?"

"She didn't want anyone to know. I mean, not even us in school knew anything about it until the funeral was over and... she told me she didn't want to worry you, that you were studying for entrance exams"

"Even so! She should have told us! We could have come and see her! Even if there wasn't much we could have done..." Shuuji yells, his voice fading into nothing. "We could have been there for her. We should have been here!"

"I know" Mariko's eyes are red rimmed, unshed tears waiting to just fall at Shuuji's emotion. "I know. And she knew it too. She told me when she came back to school... but she said she was afraid too. Of not being able to smile again and after all you guys had done for her too--"

"Bullshit" Akira interrumpts with a husky voice and Shuuji finally remembers he's still there. Akira's body is tense, face turned away and knuckles white; it looks like he's barely holding back. "You should have told us. You. You promised to take care of her for us!"

Mariko crosses her arms in front of her insulted. "And I did. She is my friend too, you know?" she says crossly and then, more gently. "Which is why I respected her wish to not let you know. I care about her too and I was worried too. That's why I tried to call, but..."

"The phonecall..." Shuuji realizes. Akira turns completely away, his back desolate but unforgiving. "Where is she now?"

Mariko doubts for a moment, her arms looking more like a shield in front of her now. "She's gone"

"Gone?"

A nod.

"Where?"

A pause, a troubled look and then Mariko shakes her head. "I'm not sure if I should tell you"

"What?!"

Akira snorts, his patience aparently running out as he just walks away. Shuuji is incredulous, but after a moment follows his friend towards the stairs.

"Akira! Wait! WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!" he shouts, feeling powerless as he sees him dissapear downstairs. Shuuji grunts despondent, leaning his forehead on the rail, the metal cool on his suddenly feverish skin. This must be a dream, another one of his anxious nightmares.

"Nande?" Just how did all of this happen?

He closes his eyes, breaths deeply. "Nobuta..."

"Shuuji..." Mariko whispers at the desolate figure and Shuuji turns his head a little, bangs hiding his eyes. "Here" and extends a couple of envelopes that portray his and Akira's names.

Shuuji is almost scared to touch them, but in the end, he still takes them, fingers digging into colored paper.

*****

It was an accident. Kiritani-san was doing some field work and didn't see the truck coming her way when she crossed the street. Not that it was her fault, since it was the driver the one who speed in red.

It's already dark when Shuuji reaches Maruyama's place. He's not exactly sure when the sun went down, but his feet are sure resenting all the time spent walking without direction. After explaining and answering his questions, Mariko had left him on the roof. He had watched his old classmates joking and fooling around as they got out of school, presumably towards the karaoke place.

The hospital called the school when they couldn't reach her father, but Kiritani-san had died long before the ambulance had reached her.

He got some calls he didn't boher to answer and would have probably still be standing there if Katherine hadn't come and kicked him out school, albeit gently as she had been. Looking at his cell, is already eleven and he wonders where time went.

Nobuko-chan was the one that had to recognize the body.

When he looks up, the lights are out, but he knows Akira's in there; the ajar door tells him all he needs to know, so Shuuji let's himself in, wondering where his bag had gone. Not that it really matters.

The driver of the truck escaped.

Everything is a mess. In his head. In Akira's room.

When she came back to school, Nobuko was changed.

Akira blinks lazily at him in the half-light coming through the open window where he is perched and then says, uncharacteristically serious, as if he's just continuing with a conversation after a moment of silence, "You know, I thought that coming back here again meant that we could find the things we lost or gave up on."

It was like going back in time and watching the Kotani Nobuko Bando and Aoi bullied when she just transferred here.

Shuuji nods solemnly, thinking of a friendship unexpectedly found and remembering the boy who'd once told him that he wanted Nobuta to be only his.

She didn't talk with anyone, barely paid attention to anything.

He wonders once again where that girl went to.

Nobuko-chan told me once it was really difficult to smile since then, that she didn't even know if she could ever truly smile again.

Akira huffs a loud sigh, then smiles, but it's not pretty or silly or Akira-like at all and Shuuji shudders. "But we can’t get back what is once lost"

That even if her lips formed a smile, she knew in her heart that it wasn't a real one.

"You said it once, didn't you, Shuuuuji-kun~" Akira says in a mockery of his usually cheerful sing song voice, making him grimace. "That day. 'We have to get through life... all of us do'" And turns to look at him, his expresion blank and his eyes so, so dark with pain and heartbreak and the letter Nobuta left for Akira weigths tons in his pocket, so he can't get it out. "... ne?"

I don't know if going away like this was for the better, but I think this is a chance she cannot give up. A chance she had worked really hard for. That's why... I encouradged her to go.

Akira gets up from the window and passes him by, his steps fading as he goes down to the first floor and out the house, taking into the night.

Actually, maybe this is not the best time to say it, and I don't even know if I shoud tell you or if you even care about it, but... I'm going away too. To study college.

Shuuji does not follow him.

In France.

*****

Haikei, Shuuji

By the time you receive this, I'll be gone. The reasons... I'm sure you'll know them by now too.
First of all, I'm so sorry. For so many things.There is just so much to say but somehow I can't find the words to say them all.
Even when I said Good bye with a smile, I wished so hard for you not to go. Then again, I guess some things are just meant for wishing and dreaming than reality.
With this, I'm not rying to make you feel guilty. i think that going away was the best decision you took, because through your letters and phonecalls, you showed me a Shuuji that could say and do things with the sincerity and happiness he deserved. And that made me happy too.
For so long, Shuuji and AKIRA have been my compasses, so that when i found myself on my own again, I felt a little lost.
That's why I promised myself, that the next time I'll be better. Stronger. So that Shuuji and AKIRA can rely on me too.
I'm still not the kind of person I want to show to you, so, hoping you forgive my selfishness, I'm going away to become that person.
I've got an schoolarship to study photography and video overseas for three years and even Mariko was really excited about it.
After that, I will come back and finish here my education, though I'm not exactly sure where, yet.
So until then, I'll work hard and if I feel weak, I'll remember Shuuji and AKIRA and work harder.
So, until we meet again, let's do our best work, ne.

Nobuta Power, Shunyuu!

Date: 2009-08-31 08:54 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hlopushka.livejournal.com
ЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЫЫ
i mean YEAH! SO GOING TO READ.

Date: 2009-08-31 02:36 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kriszeth.livejournal.com
THIS IS TOTALLY OOC, OK? I REALLY NEED TO REWATCH THE DRAMA, BUT I CAN'T FIND THE DVD T_______T

Date: 2010-04-15 08:37 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] hindugoddess.livejournal.com
OH MY GOD IT'S UPDATED!!!

I missed this fic. I really missed this fic. You have an amazing writing style and it shows in every one of your chapters. So bittersweet, I hope they meet again. Just wondering, are you going to introduce the Kurosagi aspect of the story now? They have such different personalities, so I can't wait to see what you do with it.

Being nitpicky here, but "It was an accident. Kiritani-san was doing some field work and didn't see the truck coming her way when she crossed the street. Not that it was her fault, since it was the driver the one who speed in red."

and "The hospital called the school when they couldn't reach her father, but Kiritani-san had died long before the ambulance had reached her."

Since we're talking about Nobuta's mother, shouldn't it be Kotani-san?

I've missed this fic so much. I hope I can read more soon.


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