kriszeth

Title: Crying out

Genre: Angst

Pairing: Kurosaki/Tsurara, Tsurara/Rui

Rating: PG?

Disclaimer: Written for entertainment, not for profit.

This is a remix of a fanfic written by the everwonderful walkwithheroes so go over her journal to read "Echoes" and give reviews, ok?

It’s beating so fast.

Why?

I always want to contradict you.

Why?

I want you to undestand me!

Why?!

What are you talking about?

I like you!

…

But then, why?

Why are you a swindler?

She should be home by now.

It’s getting late, but after the run in last night with Kurosaki on the stairs and the abrupt appearance of Yukari, Tsurara feels no hurry to get to the apartment just yet. Especially since Yukari might be there already waiting for Kurosaki–san to go out and swindle another shirosagi. Instead she decides to eat a bento from the combini in the same park where her heart decided to spill all its contents out to the recipient of her affections one fatefull evening. It would have been all perfectly normal if said person wasn’t a jerk about it.

And the stain in her white leather bag just. Won’t. Come. OUT!

Yuuko-sempai had pointed it out that morning, but she hadn’t had time to clean it because just then it took place another little discussion with Yukari about why she wasn’t fit to love Kurosaki yet again. As if it had been her wish to fall for a person like him in the first place; one whose livelihood was against everything she believed in.

Tsurara tilts her head until her chin touches her collarbone, her hair falling into her pale face, her gaze lingering in the dark red spot that soils the worn leather. Yuuko-sempai thought it was wine and teased her for it, but the eyes of the senior had been worried all the same (after all, Tsurara was not a girl who indulged in alcohol; firstly because she hadn’t the money to waste on it, but mostly because it wouldn’t bring a solution to any of her problems), but Tsurara couldn’t really up and tell her it was blood.

Kurosaki’s blood, to be more exact.

She sighs, long and drawn out, still wiping absently the bag now. Her eyes prickle behind her eyelids and Tsurara blinks back the tears she hadn’t noticed were about to spill. Everything is so confusing. Falling in love and being hated for it, trying always to give explanations to someone who will not listen to them. And she’s just so tired of it all. Of not knowing what to do, not knowing how to fix all this mess, what to say to make things better.

Tsurara wonders if there’s any way to go back in time and stop herself from blurting out all those words, the words that earned her only hearbreak and lost friendship. But when she remembers Kurosaki’s pain and loneliness, she’s not really regretfull of it all; because even when he claims not to need anything anymore, knowing you have the love of someone (even if you don’t want it), the knowledge of someone caring for you, it’s sure to ease the hurt. Somehow…

Maybe as Yukari said, Tsurara can’t understand the feeling of not being loved (though that is debatable right now), but she can understand the feeling of giving out love and friendship (not cheap simphathy as Kurosaki called it), of caring for people important for you.

Because Tsurara loves Kurosaki. And also because she still loves Yukari very much. Because with time and patience, even this sadness will be healed… hopefully.

"So… there's no point in it then", she whispers quietly to herself, not knowing if she's talking about trying to salvage her already ruined bag or about wallowing in self pity on a bench at the park when she could be productive and look for another part-time job so she could pay her rent and save money to move out. Because sometimes, even if you love someone -or because you love that someone-, you just have to let go.

One by one, Tsurara takes out the belongings from her old bag until its empty, puts them in the plastic bag her cheap bento had been in before and walks away.

Tsurara does not look back, and so, doesn't notice the young man that picks up the stained bag, a sad countennace in his stance.

II.

It's the first day on her new part-time job and already she wants to quit. Nobody takes any of the flyers from "Ayaka Driving School", she hasn't eaten anything since leaving the apartment that morning and her legs hurt like hell from standing all evening.

She's on the verge of breaking down, but keeps on trying; thinking just a little more and the next person will surely take it. When she turns around, a smile on her face and the little packet at the ready, and Onegaishima… but the words die on her throath.

"What are you doing?" Kurosaki asks and she can't bear to look at him. Not after crying her eyes out, begging Katsuragi-san to set him free when Kurosaki himself was completely conscious of what he was doing and didn't regret it at all.

Tsurara shrinks onto herself, foolihsly happy that he takes the flyer and then wincing internally when he dismisses her existence with an "I don't know her" before walking away.

She never notices the elegant man that stopped just a few feet away from her before she loses herself into the crowd, feeling more alone and lost than ever in her life.

Days later, Tsurara is the one to tell Kurosaki that he is not alone, will never be alone, no matter where he is or what he is doing. No matter what he becomes, just to remember that she was there for him.

III.

Sometime after the police release him because of lack of evidence, Tsurara stops trying to meddle into his affairs, though what she does goes more along the lines of trying to avoid him. Proof of it is that when she is giving out flyers for Yukari's play "Julius Caesar", she answers his joke with a "Just to be polite" and promptly turns around, trying to forget about him. Not that she has any succes in that.

It's easier, she tells herself, this way; so that when he finally decides to end it all for the sake of living on, it will not hurt as much if he doesn't come back.

But if there's something she can't ignore is Kurosaki's pain and so, when he stumbles out her apartment after watching the news, rent forgotten, she can't stop herself from following him. She loses sight of him, though, when it begins raining and no matter how much she runs, she can't find him.

Still, Tsurara can't give up just now; not when he had looked so lost and confused, mask of indifference forgotten. So with a cheap yellow umbrella in hand recently bought from a second-hand store, she braves the weather, walking somlemnly down the sidewalk, looking for any signs of him. She's sure now that the man that was murdered is somehow related to one of Kurosaki's cases, but she can do nothing, not to help him nor to comfort him.

So, helpless and tired, she stops for a little break, hopelessly lost herself in the streets of Ginza, using the wall of a building to keep her standing, not minding a wet back. Tsurara watches how on the other side of the street she's in, a man emerges from some expensive jewellery store, looking around frantically, trying to find something or someone. She can sure simpathize with him and hopes that at least he gets luckier.

With a sigh, she pushes herself from the wall and keeps searching. It is dark and late when Tsurara finally finds Kurosaki, wet and defeated, screaming out his impotence and pounding the sidewalk with his fist while people evade his fallen form. His pain is so raw that she trembles at the sight of it all; wondering how is it that people can just pass him by as if it were nothing out the ordinary, her own knuckles white and tears blending with the heavy rain that falls unforgivivingly over them, the little yellow umbrella forgoten at her side.

Tsurara does not feel lucky at all.

IV.

She meets someone weird one overly bright, overly sunny morning at the park, back from her weekly trip to the grocery store for cat food. Well, not exactly weird, more like flustered. Interesting. Handsome.

She smiles to herself, swinding the plasting bag, her steps a little on the skip side.

"Could you please help me find something?"

A mocking voice from above freezes her on the spot, a foot on the first step of the metal stairs and Tsurara looks up, a deer caught in headlights kind of expression on her face.

"Never'd've thought you'd fall for that" he spats and his frown is more pronounced than usual. "Though I suppose, with your naivete, it shouldn't surprise me"

He is seated in the last step of the stairs, looking down at her dissaprovingly, as if she was incapable of taking care of herself, his- her- their cat peacefully purring on his lap while he pats its head soothingly. Well, she had done nothing wrong and she can take care of herself quite well. After all, she had been doing it since she was a child thanks to the irreponsability of her father and the weakness of her mother.

So, her good mood all but gone, Tsurara lifts up her chin defiantly while taking the stairs, bypassing him whitout a glance in her way to the door of her apartment. A piteous meowling sound halts her steps and she doubts with the knob in her hand.

"Yoshida, the cat is hungry" Kurosaki drawls.

"It's Yoshikawa" she turns around, hands on her hips. She knows by now that he knows her name, has always known it, so why can't he just use it? It's not that hard. "Also, didn't you use to tell me not to feed it?"

"Well, I can't very well tell you that anymore since I gave it to you, now can I?" the sarcasm is reach in his tone, but his eyes are piercing and talking about so much more. His stare is captivating and breathtaking, the emotions that swirl on those dark pools hipnotizing her and Tsurara wants to drown in them, she wants oh, so much to dip inside and soak in all that he will not put into words.

She squeals surprised when the cat rubs its fluffy body on her ankles, making her lose balance and trip over her own feet, the animal escaping once it notices the possibility of a body much more heavier falling over it. Tsurara closes her eyes, bracing herself for an impact that never happens. Instead, strong arms keep her standing, her own arms trapped between two bodies. She stops breathing, her lungs burning from lack of oxygen while her heart hammers happily away; an even breathing on her ear, mocking her inhability to inhale and exhale.

"Breath, Yoshikawa Tsurara" Kurosaki comands quietly, seductivetly and she does, painstackingly slow, so raw and inexperienced that it hurts her to draw in air, making him chuckle softly. The musky and slightly spicy scent that is completely Kurosaki envelopes her and she has never felt like this, so safe and scared at the same time, trembling like a new born kitten.

Minutes later, when Kurosaki deems it safe for her to stand on her own, he lets her go, slowly and maybe a tad bit uncertain, his head down, long bangs a thick dark curtain to his expression. He doesn't say anything before he turns around and goes down the stairs.

"Don't forget to feed the cat Yoshida" are his parting words. His steps measured and his back rigid, hands balled tight inside his pockets.

Slowly, ever so slowly, Tsurara kneels on the bare floor, grazing her kness, the cat meowling at her side. She pats it absently, forgetting to open the can of cat food.

His name is Hanazawa Rui and he loves to read. He is the sole heir to Hanazawa Enterprises, and so he studies in the prestigious Eitouku College to take over said company. He lives in a big mansion and has a mother and a father he rarely, if at all, sees.

The closer he has to a real family are the F4, integrated by Domyouji Tsukasa (who at first glance looked and acted like a spoiled jerk), Mimasaka Akira (who kept flirting with her at any chance he had) and Nishikado Soujiro (who never failed to send knowing smirks her way); and one Shizuka Toudou that she had yet to meet.

Other important people were Makino Tsukishi (Domyouji's kind-of girlfriend –Tsukushi's words, not hers) and Matsuoka Yuuki (Tsukushi's best friend who had a crush on Nishikado-san); with whom she hit it off from minute one, people with a common background that understood all about her trials and tribulations with money.

Being with all of them is distracting, loud and boisterus, especially with Domyouji´s tendency of saying or doing things that displeased Tsukushi. It is a complete contradiction to the calm aura Hanazawa Rui's smile creates, but at the same time, it is all fitting.

Like an oasis of quietness in the middle of a crazy storm, patient and happy.

"That's because you make him happy" laughs Yuuki, who seems experienced in matters of the heart, when Tsurara confides her musings.

Tsurara wonders how that is posible. How can her simple presence make Hanazawa Rui happy, when she can't do that for the person Tsurara so desperately wants to bring happiness to. And how the person that in her heart deserves happiness the most, has given up on finding it, leaving her behind without any hint of where he may be, without giving her any chance to try, to just try.

How he does not even leave any message for her with Katsuragi-san or even Hayase-san, who both know nothing either and are equally worried eventhough they hide it. She would even be glad of one from Kashima-keiji, as long as he could tell her anything.

I don't need happiness. She can still hear his words from so long ago; her knucles whitening because of the force with which Tsurara holds her cup. I don't need anything anymore. Not love, not friendship nor your cheap simpathy... So hurry up and get out.

She knows is his absence that brings fort old memories, feeding her worry and her doubts. Because, what if this time he really doesn't come back? It's been almost a month. Kurosaki has never been gone for so long.

"The question is…" Tsukushi continues after a thoughfull silence. "The question is: Does Hanazawa Rui make you happy?"

Tsurara is not sure she can answer that.

VI.

It's a little after the sixth month when Kurosaki comes back.

Tsurara had been feeling nervous all evening, though she atributes the deed to acompaning Hanazawa-san - no, Rui, to a company party as his official girlfriend. He looks really handsome in his smart white suit, contrasting with the black dress Yukari lent to her.

She still can't believe they had been dating for five months already and she is happy. Hanazawa Rui makes her happy. Still, there's a part of her that feels guilty and slowly, it gets bigger and bigger with each passing day.

It's this part that makes her nervous, as if it knows something it's going to happen; this part urges her to part with him already before they reach the apartment complex, but is Hana… Rui's smile what disuades her from saying good bye. After all, it's not as if Kurosaki has come back yet. She's not even sure if he plans to come back at all and it's not as if they had had something going on between them, nor had she promised to wait for him. All in all, Tsurara has all the right to look for her own happiness and if that happiness is Hanazawa Rui, then so be it.

All her thoughts, though, fly out into the night when the door of the room next to hers, open harshly and Kurosaki steps out. For a moment their eyes meet and all the color from her face follows her thoughts, leaving her lightheaded. For a moment, there's only him and her, and nothing else matters.

He has gotten a little taller and a lot thinner, dressed all in black as always. His eyes are sullen and darker, but there's this minute spark in them that provoques a shiver to go up her spine, her hands to sweat. Kurosaki gives her a once over.

"Wow" he says apreciatively, but then glances over at the man at her side, his stance rigid and guarded once again, a thoughtfull frown and Tsurara knows the exact moment when Kurosaki understands what is going on, his eyes get a little wider and the sparkle is lost.

"So Cinderella has found her Prince Charming" he states calmly, only the slightly hint of bitternes in his tone and Tsurara wants to explain everything to him, wants to say it's not what he is thinking, when is exactly just like that.

The guilt consumes her, a dull and heavy weight squeezing her heart as she watches him pass her by, pushing past with a grunt, shoulders almost but not quite bumping. Tsurara turns around to wacth him go down the stairs two steps at a time, as if disgusted by her mere presence. But what hurts more, what brings tears behind her eyelids, are his parting words.

"No overnight visitors, Cinderella"

After that, she can't look the man in front of her in the face anymore. She's not sure if it's because she's ashamed or guilty or just doesn't want him to see the heartbreak on her expression, the tears that she refuses to let fall.

She deems it more apropiate not to invite him to take her home again after that. She also stops calling him by his given name, even if it was only in her mind.

VII.

The next day, after Kurosaki does not come back that night, Tsurara decides to go to Katsuragi-san's place.

Hayase-san is waiting for her at the door, wringing her hands nervously. She has never seen the woman anything but calm and collected, so she's properly freaked out by now. There are shouts and the sounds of things breaking when Tsurara scurries inside, expecting the worst.

There's only Kurosaki in the middle of all the wreckage, chairs and tables upturned, every single glass-ware in the room broken. Shoulders heaving and back unforgiving, fists clenched so tight he will draw blood soon if he doesn't stop; the young man stands lost and drained after the storm passes. Tsurara takes baby steps towards him, not knowing what to make of it all. She steps on a broken vase and the sound alerts him of her presence as he turns around, eyes frurious and mouth on a thigh line.

He stares long and hard and then, without any word, he steps around her towards the exit. Tsurara clenchs her own fists to stop herself from following or calling out to him, past experiences have proven that it would do her no good nor give her any answers.

Katsuragi-san watches it all behind the mirror, a sad look on his old face.

As Tsurara's back is to the entrance, she does not see Kurosaki stop just outside the door when he notices a young man passing by, does not notice the frown on his face nor how he dismisses his rival with a roll of the eyes.

But Hayase does.

She just does not know what to make of it.

VIII.

A week later, she finds herself on Hanazawa Rui's patio drinking tea, although she's not really sure what exactly she's doing there.

Her thoughts keep going backwards to her cryptic talk with Hayase-san, to the reason why Kurosaki went ballistic on the restaurant furniture. Kurosaki went to buy new information from Katsuragi-san when Hayase was going out to buy groceries, she's not sure herself of what they had talked about since Katsuragi-san was unusually tightlipped about it, but once Kurosaki left the VIP room and entered the main floor he went berseck and began destroying everything in sight.

It just doesn't make sense at all. Kurosaki is more prone to brood and sulk and plot, not have outburst that resemble childish tantrums.

"I could help you find a place" Hanazawa Rui says out of the blue and she blinks trying to catch up, having completely forgotten he was there in the first place. "You've been trying to move away for over a year now. I can help you find a place, Tsurara. Makino and Yuuki should know some cheap rooms to rent near your university"

Tsurara gazes at the tea in her cup before sipping delicately, buying herslef time to think of what to say. Everything is just so confusing right now and if she moves out now, nothing will change, there won't be a solution or an answer or an ending, a chance to finally move on. Frankly, she would just be running away.

"Thank you. But, I think is better if I find my own place" she answers politely and can't stop herself from blocking out Hanazawa Rui's worry.

In better news, he never brings up her living situation again.

IX.

Today is the tenth month anniversary of Tsurara and Hanazawa Rui's relationship. She's not sure how they have come so far, especially since she's not sure it's going anywhere.

More than once, she has thought of breaking it off, but it's difficult to find a good moment or a good enough reason, so she has just let it go on. Mostly because she feels really happy in the presence of Hanazawa Rui and all his friends. It's a welcome distraction and stops her from lingering on thoughts of Kurosaki. Still, it's just not fair for Hazawa Rui, her boyfriend, she has to remind herself.

Tsurara feels really guilty about it all.

She locks her door and then lets out a long sigh, her forehead touching the cool surface of the door and she closes her eyes.

"So, going on a date?" Kurosaki asks, his eyes not leaving the newspaper on his hands, but his attention elsewhere. She stills for a second, her eyes snaping open in surprise, but then pushes away from the door and past him without a glance.

"I don't know how that is any of you bussiness" she hisses. Lately, every little thing that Kurosaki says or does rubs her the wrong way and Tsurara does not know why. Well, she does know why; she's just currently on denial.

After all, Tsurara knows Yukari feels nothing more than a long past crush for Kurosaki, but watching them talking and joking about who knew what, laughing together and sharing smiles, it fills her with a dark and ugly feeling she tries to suppress, since, you know, she already has a boyfriend and there is no point in feeling jealous about your land lord.

He frowns and follows her down the stairs, annoyed at her PMSing. "Ok, out with it. What have I done to you that has made you so mad?" he asks heatedly behind her. "And look at me when I ask you something" he demands, eventhough he's usually the one to avoid looking at her while talking.

Maybe it's the preposterous sentence what makes her turn around to glare properly at him face to face.

"I don't know what you're talking about" she answers petulantly and turns away, intent to keep on going, but then he takes her wrist turning her around and he seems as surprised as she feels, but then he recovers.

"Ok, so I did something, I don't know what, but I'm sorry for doing whatever made you mad, so can we go back?" Kurosaki hisses and it sounds more like a treat than an apology.

Tsurara's body is rigid with anger as she spats "I. Am. Not. Mad!" she punctuates every word with a little tug of her hand trying to get free from Kurosaki's grip, who only thightens it more at each struggle. "Also, go back to what? To you ignoring me while I chase after you? Go back to that foolish namecalling? Or to me crying because of your job? Or maybe even before, when you thought I was a pest you needed to keep away from? To the naïve me who thought she could save you from yourself with pretty words and blind trust in a system that couldn't protect everything you cared about? Go back to what?!"

Her voice is shrill and raw and he has hurt her this much, he's still hurting her and Kurosaki does not know what to do. Only knows he will keep on hurting her and that he can't stop yet, not when he is so close to end it all.

"Are you in love with him?" he asks, angry at himself but mostly scared of losing the only thing, the only person he still has left.

"That's none of your bussines!"

"Answer me! Does he makes you happy?!" and he doesn't want to ask the questions, does not want to hear the answers and the little part of his heart she had been mending all along breaks over when she says with tears falling from her eyes: "Yes. Yes, he makes me happy"

It is then Kurosaki loses what little control he has over himself, pulling Tsurara towards his body in a movement almost violent, wrapping his arms around her, keeping her close and closer, holding her tightly despite her half-hearted struggle to break away from him and he kisses her.

He kisses her like he has always wanted to, forcefully, to the point of bruising in the beginning and then soothingly when she stays put, her arms tentatively encircling his waist as the kiss becomes gentle and loving as she answers to his lips and tongue shily and it's perfect, his heart squeezing from a sudden burst of unbearably sweetness, until they have to break away panting, breaths mingling in the little space between their mouths, foreheads touching, arms around each other afraid to let go.

Her soft brown eyes are glazed over as she licks her lips, red and slightly swollen from all the kissing, as if trying to chase away whatever is left of his taste on her mouth. Tsurara has never looked more beautiful.

"He could never ever make you feel like this and you know it" he whispers and there's no cockiness in the stament, just actual fact.

Tsurara's eyes become glassier, though this time is by tears instead of desire and there's no need for her to answer. Kurosaki closes his eyes and inhales deeply, still uncertain and he has to know, just has to know if there is any hope left, so he asks once again. "Are you in love with him?"

She pushes him away then, stumbling a couple steps back before coming forward and slapping him hard and angry, but most of all hurt and she trembles, helpless and hopeless as she glares at him.

"How can I fall in love with him, when I'm still in love with you, you asshole?", she whispers-spats, venom pouring from her words as if they were dirty and shameful and then goes up the stairs to her apartment, closing the door with enough force to rattle all the windows in the second floor.

Kurosaki stays where she left him, head a little to the side, cheek redening as cold rain begins pouring all over him. Some tenants look through their windows curiously, but he does not care. It's not as if it's the first time they had heard them fighting and it will not be the last.

He can clearly hear her crying above all of it and he hates himself just a little more. He is breaking her, he has broken her and he doesn't know how to fix it, if it can be fixed.

"I'm sorry"

He never notices the figure standing in the middle of the road burning with anger and jealousy.

It doesn't stop raining after that. In fact, the rain just keeps getting harder and harder.

She waits for Hanazawa Rui near the bench where they first met, holding her yellow umbrella and wearing her best dress. It's white, a color she has avoided since opening her eyes to the harshness of reality, better known as her falling in love with Kurosaki, whatever. Somehow, without her noticing, all her wardrobe has become a shade of greys and dark colors and for Tsurara that just won't do anymore.

She has decided to start over, determined to put behind everything that has happened since Kurosaki's return. It doesn't matter that Kurosaki's the first man she has ever loved, the first man that has kissed her and made her feel things she thought were only prone to pass on novels and fairytales. So, what better color to represent the beginning of a fresh start than white?

When she sees her boyfriend, her whole face lits up "You're late, Hanazawa Rui" Tsurara calls to him teasingly, happy and excited.

There's a moment when something flashes behind Hanazawa Rui's gaze, something sad and uncertain and so final, before he returns her smile.

"Sorry, sorry" he says, but it does not reach his eyes and she worries her lip, thinking that is probably her imagination when he reachs out for her hand. "Let's go"

Tsurara smiles and nods, never noticing the dark figure that stands under the rain without any protection before it turns around to walk in the opposite direction.

XI.

It is six months, two weeks and three days after Kurosaki comes back that Hanazawa Rui breaks things off with her. They sit together in the same bench everything began in, holding hands tightly as Tsurara sniffs back tears and she can only say how sorry she is, because it's her fault, all of this. She's a horrible, horrible girlfriend.

"When you become a famous lawyer, don’t forget about me" he half-jokes softly, trying to comfort her, hugging her closely and breaking her heart all the more when he whispers in a voice so soft, she almost can't hear it. "I love you, Tsurara"

She never tells him she does, though, but her shoulders shake with the force of her sobbing, because she does care for him and she's so, so sorry.

Later, Kurosaki finds her hunched onto herself in the first step of the metal stairs, head buried into arms that wrap around her kness in a painful grip. He says nothing as he sits besides her, staring blankly ahead with a pronounced frown, murderous thoughts swirling in his head.

It's only expected that when one of her small and fragile hands take hold of one of his rough and large ones lightly, almost afraid, Kurosaki jumps a little, surprised as his eyes widen and he looks at her shivering from, worried until he notices that she's not crying, hasn't been crying at all as he had previously thought, but that Tsurara's giggling, even laughing at him.

He would feel like a real fool if he hadn't noticed the redness of her eyes. Kurosaki sighs long and hard-suffering, but mostly mocking.

"What am I supposed to do with you, Yoshida?" he grunts, but squeezes her hand back.

XII.

Ten months later, Tsurara finds herself running towards the police department.

In her way, she bumps into a girl, who looks utterly alone and lost in the middle of the crowd and she would like to help her, would like to ask what's wrong, but right now all that's on her mind are Hayase-san's phonecall and Kurosaki, so she says sorry distractedly and keeps on running.

If she had looked back, she would have seen the girl purposely walking towards a young man, exchange some words before walking side by side with him to somewhere, smiles on both of their faces.

Tsurara can only hope that Kurosaki's tragedy has reached an ending, even if it's not the one he wished for.