Bleh!

Weeeek!

My favorite song right about now.

Ok, into more... serious? Other things. I've wondering What's the point?

Esther keeps saying  Please, confide in me. Tell me about you, the things you do and the things you like. What you see and what you want.

That's great coming from a friend, specially when I felt so... down -? No. That's not the right word. Maybe more like dissilussioned? Yeah, that pretty much sums it up- about my supposed "friends" in college.

Though I didn't felt it that much to begin with.

Mostly because I went on break right after stopping talking to them and it pretty much feels like prior years.

I actually think that they feel the same and are waiting for me to talk to them once I get back. I must say I'm still thinking about it.

( - JIIIINNN! COME BAAAAACK! )

But, you know, the problem is: No matter how much I want to tell her the things I do or like or see or want, I always end up disillusioning her.

Tatoeba... her last text message.

When I was all hyper because I finally got NewS new single weeeek! –also got the PV. I like the part when Koyama puts his hands on his waist and swings. Is pretty funny. I even squealed. Squealed! For a guy I don't even like! And oh, Tegoshi Yuya. He's the cutest lovely sweety I've ever seen and don't even let me start in Yamashita Tomohisa- and was trying to learn the lyrics, she asks Hi! How are you? What are you doing? Any news?

They were NewS, that's for sure

I had a smile so big I thinks my cheekbones hurt and all glassy eyed and hyper induced answered I was learning a new song. Her reply was A song? Must be one of those in that weirdy oriental language.

Even at that point, I didn't feel insulted or anything and I still answered back all happy-go-lucky. After all, I felt over in 9^th cloud. I tried to explain the feeling the song left me, specially after reading the translation.

It's a hopeful song, trying to get a message accross. It tells you not to give up enjoying life just by growing up, to take your time, day by day, enjoying what you do and with the way I've lately felt about this particular fact, hearing a song like this makes feel somehow relieved and hopeful. I still don't know how to explain it, so here are the lyrics:

( weeeek! )

When I heard it the first time, I wanted to sing and dance and jump around. I couldn't tell her all this, and I feel like, even if I had sent her the translation, it wouldn't be enough and she wouldn't want to see the PV and hear a song in a language she dislikes. I confess I didn't tell her all this, but we were text messaging via cellphone, so...

Her reply was It's good you're entertained and positive. Well, good night!

Frankly, it left me feeling ashamed of what I like. As if she was hearing me out just because it was the polite thing to do, like being patient with a stupid kid. And the worst of all, it's not the first time it feels like that!

Also, when I meet with her, she often makes faces, like it is tedious and bothersome and just generally annoying. I noticed, so I stopped telling her about it, but then, I didn't have much to talk about, because I can't say Oh! I saw a wonderful movie called Yuuki and Kamenashi Kazuya is in it and it made cry, it was so great! You should see it, too  because that is NOT what she wants to hear nor does she want to watch it and school life is just not what it cracks up to be either.

I can't keep telling her about my teachers and classes when I meet her though that's usually what I do, so I don't know what to talk about. Mostly, I just keep my mouth shut and listen to her. She rather enjoys it anyway.

Also, she dislikes my mother. And my brother. Family complains are a big NO-NO -and I don't even like complainig about my family to other people to begin with-. Something about blaming her because I don't expect much from life and I'm apathetic, as if my mother kept me locked up while she was living the great life and enjoying outings or the like.

First, I'm not an out-going person. Like Infinitesimi said once, I'm nice to people, not really friendly and even when I get invited I usually decline, beacuse my classmates live in another town and it's bothersome and tiring to keep traveling on bus.

And when you try to catch up with a friend, the first thing that comes out of your mouth are not things like  My father is ill or I stopped talking to my pseudo college friends because I got tired of them. You try to say things you enjoyed or were fun to do or see, but that kinds of things are not something your friend wants nor likes to hear, what can I do?

Ok, maybe you also tell sad things or the problems you have, but......

Argh! I don't know how to say it. And there are things that doesn't need to be said.

Also, she usually phones me around 10 p.m. and I'm tired and I can't freely talk, because the phone is in the kitchen and EVERYBODY hears what I say or she phones when I feel down or I'm doing other things and don't really pay attetion and it feels like I'm not a good friend, am I?

Sigh

Everything I really utterly completely like, she dislikes. The things I think seriously over, she does not agree with. She keeps thinking I'm apathetic because my mother keeps me locked up and my family uses me like a maid so I don't have time to go out and get fun.

She keeps saying Tell me about you, how you feel, but when I do so and when she replies it feels like she is saying It is because of your mother's fears and strict education that you are like this. Mostly, this is because I don't enjoy what other people think of as fun and that's what she does not understand.

She is not by me 24/7 anymore. She doesn't see me interact with other people and she can't understand the kind of person I still am. Encased in my highschool doubts.for her, that's not how I should be. Because, to her, I should be happy, bright-eyed, outgoing, friendly, joyful, competitive, courageous,  talkative, positive, looking to the future with hope and expectatives. In short, a person who is not the present me. Maybe someday I will, maybe I'll die tomorrow. I don't know.

And no matter what I say or do, she won't stop blaming my mother for how I am. It's like I'm content with you being able to tell me all of this, but I still think your mother is at fault.

I give up.