Sometimes...

Sometimes I feel like such a bastard. I'm acting as a little girl that could have everything arranged by some omnipotent being and saying I'll do things later, because, well, I don't wanna do them right now and it's my life, my work. I'll do things my way, no matter what happens.
Whatever happens, happens is such a stupid excuse to live in and....
I've never wanted to be a good person. I'm not a bad person, or at least I haven't fallen deep enough to be a bad person, but sometimes I feel like such a bitch, a bastard really.
Mom just told us we live as if we don't have hope in life, or God.
I wonder what hope has done to me. Ten years of waiting and hoping to see them again and just when I thought I could, they die. Mom is right. I have no hope left in me, how can I hope in something else?
So I live by the rule of whatever happens, happens and I hate myself. So much more that when I lived hoping and waiting.
I need to do something about it, though I still don't know what exactly