wishes

Mar. 20th, 2010 08:31 pm
kriszeth: (feel the sea breeze)
i want to try this again

it's been a long time since i've kept a journal. and i'm not talking about flimsy, uneven and fangirl post on computer. to be quite honest to my self, i wrote more and better when i kept a journal. i still have the unfinished notebook somewhere in the mess i call my room.

i stopped doing it at the time because i got frustrated about how all i wrote about was oh, please let me die already. or how much i've missed zaphiro, nee-san, seiya, dymi, sirent, leo, lenny,  jen, jenny, jennipher and I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I'M GONNA HURT SO DEEP YOU'LL NEVER FILL IN THE VOID I'LL CARVE INTO YOUR SOUL, I HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU, JUST YOU WAIT I'LL GET MY REVENGE. I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER SO MUCH YOU'LL WISH TO BE DEAD BUT I'LL LET YOU LIVE. LIVE AND CRY IN HOPELESSNESS LIKE HOW YOU'VE LEFT ME.

even in this space i tend to mention them, but imagine every entry talking about the hopelessness and uncertainty about the future. the bleakness of tomorrow when i just discovered death had robbed of my most precious loves. i hated myself. hated the person that imprinted into paper feelings so dark and despairing in lively colors. i wanted to forget, but i could only remember.

even now, i'm not past those feelings. sometimes i want to sit and cry until i've run out of tears. but then, there are those little excerpts full of beautifully tinted heartbreak. and even when it hurts, i get a little proud. did i really just wrote that?

i want to get that back. the feeling of being able to express myself. i want that back.

also, appropriate song is appropriate




also, happy birthday, sato takeru.
kriszeth: (Default)

LJ Friends Meme by coolerq

• You must tell 6 people about this game.
kame is the one that you love.
jin is one you like but can't work out.
• You care most about crystal.
jen is the one who knows you very well.
seiya is your lucky star.
kizuna is the song that matches with kame.
utai tsuzukeru toki is the song for jin.
tears of snow is the song that tells you most about YOUR mind.
• and float is the song telling you how you feel about life
Take this quiz




i have no idea how this all freakingly fitting, but fuck, i got all tingly and just, idk, maybe if i wish enough for her to come to me she'll hear my call? i'm crazy, ok, but if only she was here, if only i could be with her again the world might make sense, idk, please, just, god, bring her back, giver her back to me i miss her, please

ps. tomorrow i'll be totally embarrased, but for now,i want to wish, i want to have hope, i just want nee-san back, is that too muc to ask for?

kriszeth: (christmas on my own)
 
there's something to say about birthdays


 
they tend to be such a lonely affair
 



the past



there were once two girls. they were twins and were beautiful.
 
they loved each other so very, very much. so much that i thought i could never fit with them
they had everything they would ever need in each other and the world was theirs to charm.

i'm sure they've accomplished already, wherever they are

somehow, though, we became inseparable. or at least i thought it to be so. once.
now i wonder if you remember i exist anymore.
 

i wonder if the next time i open my eyes, there'll be someone else apart from myself staring back at me


the present
 

to crystal:

for always having been my surge of strength, for always picking me up as i fell, for not caring about what people would say when you hugged me and i hugged you back, for being there for me, for understanding me, for a lot of things i have no head to think about right now... thank you.

you know, i think i forewent friendship by love when i had both, thinking the only thing i'd ever need to keep going was to be by his side. having neither love nor friendship now has made me realize that the reason why i could treasure love was because you were there too.

more than my friend or my sister or my heart, you are the treasure i wish i could have once again.

wherever you are, please guide me along to find it
 

to jen, jenny, jennipher:


 
 
for always listening, for always indulging me when not even nee-san did it, for scolding me, for letting me cry, for letting me fall and wallow in misery when i needed it, for letting me hug you and for hugging me (and i must say that your hugs are the bestest of the best there are in the whole universe) and crying with me, for saying i was interesting and thinking of me as your precious little girl... i love you.

i'm aware i never said it enough, i was a brat. still am. i remember your smile, your laugh, your elegance, your tears, your inner strenght, your scarinnes, your love for you husband and son, your faith and your fortitude.

i can't say enough i love you's to make up for all the times i never did it before, though i know you knew.

i hope we fin each other again. i promise the first thing i'll say it's how much i love you.
here's a minute sign of it ♥

i hope wherever you are, it may reach you
 


today it's your birthday. even though we haven't known each other all our lives, i can't image how it'll be to live without you in my heart.
happy 26










the future
in all is bleakness



i have a dream, of the three of us, dancing and laughing and skipping along.
i have a wish of waking up with you on each side, like before

 




because, i don't want to walk alone anymore

please, come back to me
 
 
 



sorry for the lack of lj-cut. i fucked up somewhere and now i can't do it, ugh.
none of the pic are mine. i googled them, so if anyone'd like to be credited, please tell me
kriszeth: (Default)
So, I tend to come back to this story quite a lot. Once I began reading it, I can't stop myself.
So, I'm re-posting this again in my quest at journal edition
Last time though I didn't say anything about this piece. The en of  "The meaning of a smile" with double angst to top it.
To Black Star, may you all find the happiness you gave me with your presence.

Nameless )

 

kriszeth: (Default)

Lately, ne, I've been reading Shige's essays in Myojo. I must say "Wow!", because is always refreshing and touching and just plain awesome how he can write all THAT from only one word. Mostly because he does not try to give out lessons and advice, but because he's giving you inkling into his life, how he thinks and how he feels. It's clearly enjoyable how his words link into this amazing piece of reading material from what seem simple prompts.

And so, here's my failed attempt into this kinda writing, although mine WILL be 1 000 times more depresing. God, I need to see kurosagi, definitely, when is it gonna be subbed again? Is someone even gonna sub it? Anybody?

 

 

 

Camera )
kriszeth: (Default)

 
kriszeth: (Default)
Today is Master's birthday.
He'd be 22 if he were alive.
People all over the world celebrate this date as a new beggining, another chance. I can only think Today is Master's birthday... and he is not here.
I can just stay here and  think Master would be twenty two.
I can just let this day pass as any other, because I don't care if this is the last day of the year, I can only think I was never the first one to congratulate Master in his birthday. I always tried to be last one to say it, because I wanted to ask 'Was it happy? This day... Did I make you smile? Did you like my present? Were you happy... with me?'
... )

...
Mom asked me What are your intentions for this new year?
I answered Where's the point in having intentions, when you know you're not gonna do them?
...
Sometimes I wonder What would Master want for me? He'd want me to keep going and to find love again and to be happy and get a job I'd enjoy and face the world saying You will not defeat me and work hard to get all the things I may wish for, to reach out and hold onto the things I'd work for. To accept things as they are and go from there.
Master'd want me to think Ah. Today was great. I'm glad I'm alive.
But all I can think of is If Master were here, then there'd be a possibility to say and do and be all those things.
...
I can't keep going like this, ne? But this is the only way I know how to keep going.
Because even if I wish thing were different, a person who doesn't change for herself, has no right to be regretful
kriszeth: (Default)
Sometimes I feel like such a bastard. I'm acting as a little girl that could have everything arranged by some omnipotent being and saying I'll do things later, because, well, I don't wanna do them right now and it's my life, my work. I'll do things my way, no matter what happens.
Whatever happens, happens is such a stupid excuse to live in and....
I've never wanted to be a good person. I'm not a bad person, or at least I haven't fallen deep enough to be a bad person, but sometimes I feel like such a bitch, a bastard really.
Mom just told us we live as if we don't have hope in life, or God.
I wonder what hope has done to me. Ten years of waiting and hoping to see them again and just when I thought I could, they die. Mom is right. I have no hope left in me, how can I hope in something else?
So I live by the rule of whatever happens, happens and I hate myself. So much more that when I lived hoping and waiting.
I need to do something about it, though I still don't know what exactly

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