kriszeth: (Default)
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 nee-san, kame, master, fic, akame


.... kame, jin, music, kattun, dorama, dreams, wish i could write like that, wolfboy, wolves, stress, i need to clean my room, kame, jin, tiredtired, kame, kame in drag, kame smiling, kame talking, kame shy, kame, kame, kame, why do je boys are prettier than me?, love on kame, i need a new compu, i don't have money, kame exists, jin, jin is a baka, why are there so little akame fics lately?, kame and jin in some tv show, new single/album yay! \o/, have to wake up early, stop procrastinating, music, kame, i love this song, nightmares are cool.... sometimes, jin is such a dork, jfiojwejañfeiofahopfejisdvkjsdjsdopewf so pretty! *___________*, i miss akame, everybody do the d-motion~, ooooooh, shiny!, akame is hot, kame is hotter, i really really really want to go to japan, i need a better job, i miss master, zaphiro no baka!, and master said: shop their heads off!.... ok, it didn't go like that, news, arashi, yamapi walks funny, twitter is fun, jin jin jin jin, i need to lear all the names of my flist, like really XP, why jennipher, whyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy? T__________T, kame i love thee! life is hard... dakara happy?, why so difficult, yo? i need more koki-zen teachings, love on the flist, kame so cute, why can i keysmash like the cool kids? akame is as awesum fandom, delusion is a mastery,hands get weak and knees give out,  gackt's voice makes me go kyaa!, i love hyde's voice, i need more l'arc en ciel in my life, i need to fix my hd, i miss all my music, downloading~, la lala lalalala~, kamerars unite!, kame is pretty, i cried and set aside for a bitch that lied, bff ftw, seiya where are thou?, lj why so boring tonight?.....

ok, those were more than five recurring thoughts, kame would have so many tags and the index would be full of smileys and sparkles, but i blame je for that. mnid sharing the tags in your mind?
kriszeth: (christmas on my own)

lost. in the middle of the woods no less. two children sit at the shade of an old tree whose trunk is chipping, dirtying their supposedly immaculate white uniform.

"this is all your fault," the little boy grunts, a frown in his pale face belying the pout on his pink lips. "brat"

"sorry," whimpers the little girl beside him, contrite and hiding her face into the scrapped knees she hugs to her chest tightly, feeling tiny and teary, but she will not cry, oh, no.

she just wanted to get a better look at that pretty flower and the butterfly, is not her fault the others kept walking away and if he's so mad about it, then why did he have to wait for her, she didn't ask him to DDDD:

"mom would get in trouble," a drawling voice, not in his head, but beside her, answered.

"uh?" she raised her teary-eyed face towards him.

"how do you think your parents will react when they know you got lost? they'll blame mother and stuff. that's why we shouldn't move too much, so they can find us easier. so your stunt trying to look for the cabins by climbing up the tree was silly, the foliage is too tall and hide them from view. be happy you got nothing broken, brat."

when he talks like that, it makes her feel small and stupid, isn't he supposed to be six years old too? how does he know big words like foliwhatever? and of course he'd worry about the problems she could cause his mother. his mother hates her, after all. maybe if she was alone she would have been left to die in the woods. so maybe it was a good thing he is with her, this way his mother has to look for them if she wants to see her son again.

"sorry," she repeats with a sniff and then hisses when a lock of her hair gets stuck in her still stinging knees.

a sigh. "does it hurt much?" he asks tentatively, eyes hidden beneath an a little too long fringe, fingers drawing in the dirt.

"a little," she sniffles with a pained voice, eyes misty and cheeks rosy, biting her lips.

another sigh and then he gets up. "wait here," he orders and walks away.

she scrambles to her feet but ends up falling on her butt again, a small wail leaving her lips, but that doesn't stop him and she can only watch him fade between trees and bushes. big, fat tears tracing anew the dry track left visible on her face. she doesn't know how long he's gone, face hidden once again on stinging, scrapped knees, sobs making her small body tremble and the tears just adding salt to her wounds. maybe he really left her here to die?

something cold and wet pats carefully her raw knees and she forgets to hiss when she spies his companion in lost-hood through the curtain of chunks of tangled, wet hair. "i went to the little brook we passed before. we need to clean this so they don't get infected, we don't know how long they'll take to find us."

"your shirt," is the only thing she can say. no thanks or hisses or whines.

he shrugs as if it isn't anything, as if he, the only kid she knows that is always careful with his clothes, hasn't just teared off the sleeves from his dress shirt to take care of the skinned knees of someone who he supposedly finds annoying. "there," he says, once he finishes cleaning the cuts.

she blinks at her knees, all pink and raw and clean and then a wet pinkish-brown cloth lands on her face. "wipe your face too. you look ugly, brat."

her nose scrunches up indignant and her answer is to show him her tongue, but still looks for a white patch in the cloth to rub her face and get rid of the tear tracks. "thanks," she mumbles after a while and he shrugs it off once again.

"so..." she says after a while, the sound of birds twittering and leaves rustling making her crave for something more in the still ambiance between them. "have you decided on your name yet?"

"i have a name already," he cuts disinterested, it makes an annoyed frown to appear on her face.

"i know you have a name already. i meant the name you get to choose when you turn seven, have you decided on it yet?"

"mmm..." he hums and she watches him unblinkingly. "not yet"

"eh?!" she exclaims. "but you have to give one tonight or they'll choose for you."

"mmmm..." he hums again, not really caring about it. It’s just a name, after all.

a fixed stare that comes closer and closer until she makes him cross his eyes funnily, head thrown all the way back so it goes thunk softly when it connects with the bark of the tree trying to keep a minimum space between their faces. "zaphiro" she decides, nodding to herself, a silly smile.

"what?" he asks flabbergasted, a doubtful, if not cute (and she swears to never ever say that aloud), pout that screams are you crazy? that's a stupid name, i'd never use it. "why?"

"well, you know, like your eyes" she mutters, making herself small again, trying to prepare for the rejection his expression spells, but when he opens his mouth to deliver the verdict, he's interrupted by the sudden lap-full of sobbing baby girl that throws herself at the girl with the scraped knees.

she blinks dazed, finding herself with her back in the ground and a dull ache in the back of her head, a buzz in her ears that she soon realizes are supposed to be words. "esmeralda?" she asks and suddenly a torrent of tears come flooding.

"well," a voice calls attention to the almost teenager that appears accompanied by another girl of seemingly ten years old, that busies herself trying to pry the sobbing little girls from each other to take a look at the just found girl's wounds, while a couple of adults report finding the lost children by radio. "glad to know you listen to precautionary measure when getting lost in the woods, squirt." he mocks the little boy, relieved smile turning into a smirk. "though it'd save us time and worry if you just listened when the adults say not to separate from the group and go explore on your own."

"shut up." the just found boy retorts to his older brother, sighing long-suffering and crossing his arms in a put-out manner, spying his baby sister of three years olds cuddling with the brat and not liking how the brat hogs all the attention from baby esmeralda. "not my fault."

"blaming girls is a no-no," the teenager points out, index finger poking his little bro's nose. it makes the boy scrunch it up cutely, and swap at his hand, which is why the teenager always does it, head thrown back in a laugh. "you're cute!"

"am not!" he shrieks, cheeks pink in embarrassment when the adults stare. "let's go back, i'm hungry" he mutters sullenly, following the grown ups when they begin walking.

~*~


"brother chose his name!" little esmeralda shrieks, bouncing cutely in the balls of her feet. toothy smile proud and eyes shinning. "he told me."

"really?" the bored girl mums in answer. after the initial  joviality of being found, she got scolded by esmeralda's mother. as punishment, she was to stay seated and alone at the talent demonstration, banned from participating in the event, first row so everyone could keep an eye on her. esmeralda is the first one that has spoken to her, but she just waits for some grown up to come and whisk her away, so it's no fun. she is surprised, though, when little esmeralda attempts to crawl up the chair beside hers.

"what are you doing? your mother will be mad at you if she sees you talking to me"

"is 'k" esmeralda grunts and huffs, finally able to kneel in the chair. "that way, we can stay grounded together!" she smiles accomplished, green eyes twinkling. it makes her heart go doki-doki from happiness. esmeralda looks left, then right and then cups her little porcelain hands on the ear of the older girl to whisper: "zaphiro"

and something flutters in her stomach, a smile blossoms on her face, mirroring esmeralda's. "pretty, no?" and she nods.

"brother's next" esmeralda sits properly, like her mother has teach her, and claps enthusiastically.

piano notes let themselves be heard. she doesn't know anything about music, but the melody is pretty, albeit the playing is a little clumsy, small fingers still not totally trained. she closes her eyes, humming under her breath the piece she knows at heart by know and remember afternoons spent outside the music room with esmeralda listening to endless hours of practice. soon, the melody ends and applause  resound in the open clearing where parents have come to watch their kids. she suddenly misses her parents very much.

"for you" esmeralda smiles at her friend, who blinks owlishly back. "he said: tell the brat is for her" and a pout form on her pouty lips, because she doesn't like it when her brother calls her best friend a brat. and the brat finds herself running behind the scenes without caring if she gets scolded again, esmeralda shouting for her. just her luck she gets tangled with the red curtain though.

she huffs annoyed, but stills when hearing the voice of esmeralda's oldest brother.

"so, everything ready squirt?" it asks, and for the mocking tone and the answering annoyed huff, she knows he is there too. she squirms a little more and finds the opening of the curtain so she can spy the two of them. zaphiro is glaring up at his brother, hair in disarray, most probably thanks to the teenager, who only smirks pleased, hands on hips.

"mother is waiting in the car for you." and he suddenly sobers up, expression turning grave. "are you sure you really want to go away? i don't think esmeralda'll like it"

zaphiro only nods in answer and the teenager throws his hands in the air, suddenly exasperated. "ok. well, then. let's go"

she watches their backs disappear in the shadows behind the scenes and tears spill from her eyes, not understanding why or how and she lets herself  fall on her hunches to cry, sobs unheard thanks to the pitiful attempts at talent kids display to please their parents. that is how little esmeralda finds her minutes after, tears spilling in answer to her broken-heart's ones.

"why are you crying? was brother mean to you? i'll bite him for you! but don't cry"

"he's leaving" she sobs and esmeralda's tears fall harder while her voice grows in volume and pitch not understanding.

"no, he isn't!" esmeralda cries, tugging at her to stand up so they can go and ask where her bother is. "he isn't, you're wrong, he won't leave, he promised!"

"ey, what's all this about?" the teenager reappears and esmeralda launches her small bullet body to his knees, almost knocking him down.

"she's lying!" esmeralda accuses, glaring up at him tearfully. "she says zaphiro is leaving, but she's lying! she's lying, lying! she's a liar!"

"oh, sweetheart" he kneels down as to rock her to calm his baby sister and looks at the other sobbing girl, reaching out for her too. "come here" he soothes and the six year old goes willingly.

"why is he leaving" she asks broken-hearted. "where is he going?" the hug gets a little tighter as the teenager tries to soothe them both, their cries attracting people. "why did he hate me?"









at six, i was a cry baby. i can say that now. but i still blame you for it.

there's not much i can say about our memories. i think, though, this was the first time you left me to fend by myself. you'd think i could have learned from it what to expect. there were times i understood your reasons to be away, and there were times i couldn't even fathom an explanation for them.

i've been trying to prepare for this post since december began. i can't say i'm doing a great job for it.

i could say i've moved on, but i would be lying. i still find myself writing to you as if you were to answer. i go out and keep waiting to meet you in the streets, keep looking at my reflection on glass surfaces to try and find you stalking me, waiting for the less expected moment to pass your arms over my shoulders and whisper in my ear "found ya".

ne, master, it's ok isn't it? to not forget you yet.

happy birthday, zaphiro. i love you.

kriszeth: (Default)
so this reminded me of master. somehow, there was an influx of memories inside my head. it was bittersweet. it's hard to feel almost numbed over it, because (and this is gonna sound so masochistic), i don't want it to stop hurting. it feels as if, i let go of that feeling of lost, it'll be like he never existed in the first place. i'm so sorry
kriszeth: (Default)
so, december the 31th was the suckiest of days that ever sucked. it was also Master's birthday, for which i'm terribly sorry, since i didn't post/wrote something for him and i've been doing that for the last ten years.

i would say happy 23, but you're dead and that day was anything but happy.

i'll come back later with a better post, i promise
kriszeth: (Default)

ok, remember that story, the meaning of a smile i wrote about three people important to me, apart from them, and how i said something like Nothing will ever do anything to hold back the encroaching dark you've ended welcoming. You think that if it ever dissipates, you'll miss the nightmares somehow ?
well, let me tell you it was not LITERAL!
so, yeah, the daily nightmares of doom have come back. where went the days when i didn't remember the dreams i had? gosh, i sure miss them.
summary: brain, stop making me wake up at three in the morning for a stupid unconscious process that portrays fears i do not understand, thank you!
except, maybe, for that  recurring nightmare i used to have as a child where that beautiful white wolf cornered me into falling from the roof of a house to my death while he looked at me impassively with saphire-like eyes piercing through my soul until i spilled all my secrets. that nightmare is worth any fears you throw at me, really.
...
so what? i'm weird, ok? bear with me.
also, that nightmare totally made me fall in love with wolfs, especially white furred wolfs with piercing saphire-blue eyes. it kind of reminds me of Master.
and talking about him, you know you finally accepted the death of a loved one when you do not dream of that person beside you when time were better and he was alive, but of yourself begging an omnipotent being to Give Master back to me. Why did you take him away? Why couldn't we stay together?! while crying deperately, waist deep on a blue lake and splashing water, shouting at nothing for someone, anyone, to answer your prays, sobbing for all you're not worth
kriszeth: (Default)
so, today. today was one of those days when i wish i never got up. at all.
in religion class, we were talking about love. about how in a relashionship ypu always have to sacrifice something. things you like and time spent in other things non related with your boyfriend. i told the teacher it was not like that.
that the reason why a relashionship can work out it's not because the two pass all their time together, but because the two people have qualities on their own that can support the bond between them.
also, that there were two types of relashionships. one triangular and one square like.
that the triangular one was based on thoughts of that person (that i described as obsession), one i don't remember the name of and passion (that reminded me a little too much of lust in the way this shit described it). as i usually think outloud, i said: i've never felt like that. 
to wich i was told that i was never really in love to begin with and i got kind of mad, because, who are they to tell me i've never fallen in love?!
i think lifetime relashionship shows just how deep in love i still am was with Master, so i told them about it (not a lot, though, there is too much history to ever finish it) 
and then i told them he died. i thought i was over it, ne. because, it happened a year ago and we hadn't really seen each other in the last couples years and....
i was shaking. i had to clasp my hands to stop the shaking and my laughs only left me feeling empty and oh, god, i thought i was gonna end up crying.
....
i just. i wanted to writte about this, i suppose. because i have nothing else to say for now.
it's just. it surprised me, ne.
the shaking, it was so raw...
 
kriszeth: (Default)
So, oficially, YamaPi's Birthday is over in his time zone, but it's just the middle of April the ninth in mine. I stil want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAMAPI, I HOPE YOU GET TO ONE HUNDRED and MEAN it with all my heart, which is kind of weird, because I don't even celebrate MY own birthday (I still celebrated Master's, though)
I thought I couldupload the first chapter of How to let go as some kind of tribute, but I fail something major, because I've been feeling like shit and just too lazy to write. Still, though and I still can't believe I'm gonna say this and MEAN IT, but what the hell!, since I discovered the date of his birth I've become really excited about it, almost the same way when I found out Master's birthday. 
(Yes, I also thnk is kind of creepy BUT I CAN'T HELP MYSELF! And I don't even want to)
I've been wondering, though, why am I so besotted to YamaPi, in particular, and all the other JE boys, in general.
I remember the first time I saw him in Nobuta wo Produce, how I thought How cute!!!!, but still could only think Kame, Kame, Kame, Kame... only it was something along the lines of Shuuji, Shuuji, Shuuji!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I did not know Kame's name at that time, you see), so yeah.
I'm being really deep, aren't I?
I still wanted him to end up with Nobuta, though, because they're BEAUTIFUL together, which is why Kurosagi was a dream come true (it's just, you know, they didn't end up together there either)
I WANT SO BADLY TO SEE KUROSAGI THE MOVIE, WHY HAVEN'T I? Oh, yeah, something along the lines of not finding it uploaded in direct download and subbed and my brother being mean and don't letting me download any drama from his pc when he knows I can't download from mine
So... I totally forgot what I've been thinking to write the last hour
It's just, he really is perfect. He has all this cualities I love in a man (from what I've read,  I mean). His personality being as complex or as simple as you feel it. Sometimes, I think he's everything I've ever wanted (after Master, I mean, but he is dead now and I'm still here) and feel like I'm everything he would despise in a person and that makes me feel depressed which is stupid because I will never meet him, know him, talk to him or nothing and.... I want to. I've never ever wanted someone like this and is begining to scare me, because a person doesn't fall in love this way, this is obsession and it somehow taints it all and I feel dirty and this is getting more and more depressing, isn't it?
So maybe when I feel in better spirits I'll try to describe why I like him in this unhealty way (maybe it'll even help me to get over it which I doubt) and feel ok about it all and keep on going, learn how to let go, you know
kriszeth: (Default)

 
kriszeth: (Default)
Today is Master's birthday.
He'd be 22 if he were alive.
People all over the world celebrate this date as a new beggining, another chance. I can only think Today is Master's birthday... and he is not here.
I can just stay here and  think Master would be twenty two.
I can just let this day pass as any other, because I don't care if this is the last day of the year, I can only think I was never the first one to congratulate Master in his birthday. I always tried to be last one to say it, because I wanted to ask 'Was it happy? This day... Did I make you smile? Did you like my present? Were you happy... with me?'
... )

...
Mom asked me What are your intentions for this new year?
I answered Where's the point in having intentions, when you know you're not gonna do them?
...
Sometimes I wonder What would Master want for me? He'd want me to keep going and to find love again and to be happy and get a job I'd enjoy and face the world saying You will not defeat me and work hard to get all the things I may wish for, to reach out and hold onto the things I'd work for. To accept things as they are and go from there.
Master'd want me to think Ah. Today was great. I'm glad I'm alive.
But all I can think of is If Master were here, then there'd be a possibility to say and do and be all those things.
...
I can't keep going like this, ne? But this is the only way I know how to keep going.
Because even if I wish thing were different, a person who doesn't change for herself, has no right to be regretful
kriszeth: (Default)

I hate it when he sits in front of me.

Hate it.

Just hate it.

Because I remember you and. You. Are. Not. HERE! But I still am and I still miss you. I still love you and dream about you and-and-and…

Every time I see his back I remember you.

 

I hate it that he wears formal shirts…

When I close my eyes, I see that formal black formal shirt you used to wear and I almost can feel the silk beneath my fingers as I hold onto you and I tremble with –out you- the need of you.

With this longing of pressing my forehead between your shoulder blades once again, your breathing evening out as your scent filled my senses with the fragrance of you and my throat aches with the whisper of your name…

Zaphiro…

            Zaphiro…

I hate it when he sits in front of me, wearing formal shirts because they remind me I can't hold onto them –onto you…- anymore.

It's almost vivid, the way I could feel your words more than I could hear them, the soft undertone of your voice asking "What's the matter?" and, most of all, that it mattered to you.

The way you tilted your head back to hear me, giving me all your attention; the book slipping from your fingers and ending up being forgotten.

How you never tried to see my face all those times, because you just knew I was breaking.

 

I'm still breaking, you know. It's just that there's nobody here to hold onto; there's no one here to not-see me falling apart…

There's no one here that can be you for me.

There's no you…

… and I wonder if, in here, there's still a me.

 

So, wherever you are, God bless you.

I still love you and I always will…

 

I just hate it, hate it when he sits in front of me wearing formal shirts…

… because I still remember you.

 
kriszeth: (Default)
I read an entry about the FMA movie, The conqueror of Shamballa and I think I'm going to cry.
It was a pretty one even if it didn't touch the Winry/Ed relationship that I so adore.
Also, you know, it got to me until yesterday that Master hasn't told me anything about my performance in school, wich I may add it's pathetic, and that some how hurts, because when he doesn't say anything it means he's dissapointed in me, and...
Do I still have to wonder why I relate myself with words such as shame and doubt?
There's something to say about it, isn't it?
But in reality, it's not as if he's here to tell me or not tell me anything.
I wanted...
I don't know.
I just don't know.
It's not as if I don't know that he has reasons not to be with me, he must have pretty good reasons...
At least I hope so and I think I'm going crazy and FUCKING God, please somebody help me......................................................



This is like throwing ashes to the wind, you know.
Nobody notices, nobody wonders, nobody cares.
And this is why I did this in first place.
But somerimes I wish somebody could answer.
I've faded away for so long, drifting to nowhere....



I need you, whomever you may be.
I wonder if someday we'll meet each other.
I just can hope, can't I?
But it's somehow so difficult, Master.
I wish you were here, and that is the main problem.
I can only wish...



Today it's not raining.

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