kriszeth: (outside the window)
today i got called into the office because students have commented i don't teach them well, though they didn't say anything about no studying. how do they even expect to learn english with only two hours per week? that's stupid.

either way, no, the reason for this post is not about my bitching. idc all that much if i get fired atm, students are an unreasonable buch of idiots who want to pass without studying (no offense to those on my flist who are hardworking students).

the real reason though is my absolute need for akame podfic. now that i think about it, i'm almost sure i saw a link to podfic in one fic one upon a time, but for the life of me i can't find it and i'm all emo about it because I.REALLY.WANT.IT.

though, if i'm being delusional and just spluttering nonsense, i humbly ask from my lovely, awesome, akame filled flist to please, please, please, please be a kind soul and if you find it in your heart to spare some time, could you possibly maybe probably record for me (and all the akame community) some fic? pretty please with a cherry on top? ::insert puppy jin eyes::

.....

there was something else i wanted to say but idr what it was, so..... how was your day? busy? tell me something about you guys, i don't really know much about all of you, but i'm trying. and failing. b-but what counts is the intention?

wishes

Mar. 20th, 2010 08:31 pm
kriszeth: (feel the sea breeze)
i want to try this again

it's been a long time since i've kept a journal. and i'm not talking about flimsy, uneven and fangirl post on computer. to be quite honest to my self, i wrote more and better when i kept a journal. i still have the unfinished notebook somewhere in the mess i call my room.

i stopped doing it at the time because i got frustrated about how all i wrote about was oh, please let me die already. or how much i've missed zaphiro, nee-san, seiya, dymi, sirent, leo, lenny,  jen, jenny, jennipher and I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I'M GONNA HURT SO DEEP YOU'LL NEVER FILL IN THE VOID I'LL CARVE INTO YOUR SOUL, I HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU, JUST YOU WAIT I'LL GET MY REVENGE. I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER SO MUCH YOU'LL WISH TO BE DEAD BUT I'LL LET YOU LIVE. LIVE AND CRY IN HOPELESSNESS LIKE HOW YOU'VE LEFT ME.

even in this space i tend to mention them, but imagine every entry talking about the hopelessness and uncertainty about the future. the bleakness of tomorrow when i just discovered death had robbed of my most precious loves. i hated myself. hated the person that imprinted into paper feelings so dark and despairing in lively colors. i wanted to forget, but i could only remember.

even now, i'm not past those feelings. sometimes i want to sit and cry until i've run out of tears. but then, there are those little excerpts full of beautifully tinted heartbreak. and even when it hurts, i get a little proud. did i really just wrote that?

i want to get that back. the feeling of being able to express myself. i want that back.

also, appropriate song is appropriate




also, happy birthday, sato takeru.
kriszeth: (christmas on my own)
wow. just wow. january is ending and i haven't done much fandom wise or worthy and klsjdoiasdjas i spent too much time away from my pc T_______________T

so i got my hands in two part-time jobs and an internship full time in regular hours wich kills all my free time and my pc broke down so i had to format my HD .again. and even though this time i had saved all my files i can't access them, idk if it's thanks to incompatibility or i need to buy a new cable DDDDDD:

so, how is yamanade coming along? comments, critics, spazzy babbling is always welcome. and i'd really like to hear something about it from you [livejournal.com profile] koneho , because you kept saying you didn't like the actress the producers chose. also, i need your address.

um, dunno what else to talk about, and i need to go and sleep since i stil have to wake up early to finish planning classes and putting together worksheets and etc, etc, etc.




 
kriszeth: (Default)
now i have to do a schedule and a sample class so they can hire me. idk how to do the schedule. Liz' supposed to help me, but she's kinda busy with life and, well, rl.

so today from 5 to 9 i crammed biology, geography, history, math, physics, chem, and literature and it made me remember why i really liked school/high school when i was 12. college ruined it for me, i swear. so now i have this urge to reread all my old books and that encyclopedia my father bought me when i was 14 and is like three 3.5" thick but i'm kinda hyped about it.

i was so nervous about doing that exam T_________T. i shake like a leaf in autumn when people mention they're gonna make me do exams. i'm no good with exams. i'm pretty good about talking in public about class topics, even when i suck at small talk and social relations.

so now i'll go and watch something as a reward to myself, though i should be cleaning my room. no internship till training the 11th. so, free time, yay! though i'll be doing laundry and chores and things like that. i need a new lotion. the one i have is not enough anymore. my hands feel dry no matter how many times i put my current lotion on. i guess it only works on summer. but i don't have the money to buy a new one since i spent all my saving in an instyler. i-it was shinny and on sale?





kriszeth: (christmas on my own)
but i still feel all screwed up from the hospital. and i wasn't the one being operated on, but i had to sleep on a car for three days without taking a bath or changing my clothes. at least i had my pillows with me.

i hate hospitals. well, i've never been admitted into one, but i don't see much point into getting treatment for chronic illnesses. when i think like this, "ah~ i'm probably a horrible person, aren't i?" but being the one taking care of patients is as worse or maybe a little more than being ill. an illness can break or make a person, but those around him, how should they act?

if my father wants so much to live, why have i never found the point of it? living really is tiring.

am i a bad person?

listening to mother talk of all the things father did when they were younger, i fell, "ah~ certainly, if he wasn't my father i would hate him. for sure"

i don't want to ever get married, or a boyfriend. most of the time, i don't really want friends either, but then there are those bouts of loneliness i have to bear with. "it was my own decision" i think at those times "i shouldn't begrudge them then" and i get drunk on internet.

"would i ever be free? i don't want to have to take care of some else for the rest of my life" i sya, but sometimes, don't i wish to be with someone too? i'm a hypocrite

will time really erase all this feeling. do i want it to? can i ever be happy? would i ever get away from all these? will i regret levaing mom alone?
kriszeth: (Default)
so remember that exam i was gonna take to  join the SRE? well, i went to aguascalientes on a three day trip to take it. i'm almost positive i wont make it into the second round, but well, there's always next year, isn't it? and i need to begin looking for a job now. a real one, i mean, no more unattainable dreams or whatever.

i dread tomorrow.

so, what have i been doing in this fine day? apart from breaking faucets and getting all wet. not much really. usual stuff. fangirling for akame (thank you thank you thank you cartoon kattun producer i love you thank you), planning to watch my newly acquired season 5 of buffy the vampire slayer, cleaned my room, washed clothes, tried to write (totally sucked at it), been dl-ing a buch of movies i'll probably end up watching next month or something, read this, and this, and this, and oh, this.

i sound totally exanimate, which is kinda weird since i truly wanted to write something in here. only that once the window openec my words sound so, idk, disheartened. ::sighs::

oh, well, i'll try again tomorrow

kriszeth: (Default)
i remembered that after watching something kattun related, i have this urge to post... only that i never do it. so, i just finished watching the making of video of RESCUE. awesome song and awesome dancing and i really really liked the part where everyone was making a lot of mistakes and whining because of it and how in junno's case it was the dancer that made all the mistakes, how the dancer complimented junno and how he  took it like, yeah, i know. he really has a lot of self-confidence, ne? it makes me envious. also also, when koki is all: shall i wait for taguchi? i might wait for taguchi at home. i'll just lie around waiting for him.  and then, do you remember? kame's solo at the queen of pirates con, the photo of those two topless! i'm tempted to look for some koki/junno fics now.

nakamaru's part still makes me lol!

it was cute that nobody got mad at kame when he made a mistake but made a fuss when everybody else did. also, the way jin called koki's name all sweet like and then dragged him to the set by force. hahaha!

i liked this pv better than one drop. i still like one drop's lyrics better though. though the lipsync lets too much to desire. ah~ the making of was really short this time, though. nande?

watching slow dance. awesome drama. i want to rewatch orange days. also, i want to rewatch you've got mail after reading the akame fic with that plot. a little grammar mistakes here and there, but all in all i really liked what the author made with it. hope she gets to write more akame!




about real life, i haven't studied for that exam. and i have one week and a half to read 5 books. i suck.... but i wonder, ne, if i should even try at all. maybe i should stop dreaming?
kriszeth: (Default)
so after my spectacular fail at getting a job once again, mom decided to put me to paint brother's room and today everything hurts. so i'm charging brother with a couple of bermudas and a couple of cargo pant and maybe some t-shirts, muahahaha!

anyway, i  woke up at 9 again ::sigh::

in my defense, i was dead tired for painting and cleaning and moving furniture... i also managed to fall asleep at 1. about dreaming, i don't remember anymore, but it somehow felt important. i wonder what did i dreamt...

so in a couple of weeks i'll go to the D.F., i hope cindy will be up for some window shopping, because going only to process the cédula is no fun. though i'm not looking too much forward for a six hour trip on bus. also, i need to look for my junior high certificate. would still be in the other house? i didn't find it in this one. i need to take a trip over there! preferably when is daylight since i thinks there 's no electricity over there. i miss my old house!

ok, enough whining, see ya!
kriszeth: (Default)

so, in my second day of early determination... i woke up at 9. i totally failed. i have no resolution. mostly because i fell asleep at 12:30 watching voice and waiting for dl to finish. sometimes, i really wonder why do i hate myself so much, because, you know, i feel like shit the next day.

i've never drunk alcohol, but as people describe the hang over, it sure feels like that when i wake up late after i've been depriving myself of sleep. god, i feel like shit. i think my splitting headaches every morning are the reason why i'll never drink, though that wine drama makes me crave for, you know, wine. kame, if i end up a drunkard it'll be all your fault, seriously.

anyway, dreaming. i dreamt i was a cat. or could convert into a cat. i also dream i was on a plane and broke the doors when i was trying to seal them close, only that i only broke them. not even in my dreams i do things right, it seems. and then i kept thinking, wait, is't the plane supposed to fall since the air coming in from the opened doors would affect the balance or air presure or something? but still, we reached the place we were going, which was a kind of youth hostel  where i was gonna live with other four people. so, the caretaker was an old man with perpetual bad mood and told us not to get out the room after 7.

so, like a little good girl i was arranging the curtains (which surprise, surprise, were the broken plane doors) only that it was too windy and the curtains  kept sliding off so i went out the window for them and found a supposedly friend of mine that i've never seen in my life before, only that the caretaker heard us talking and thought one of the youngers that came in we're breaking rules (and we were) so he began chasing us and i kept hearing this voice giving me advice and directions, telling me to go up the yellow stairs, not the red ones to reach my room, to take a left, to slide down. it was kind of a laberynth all in yellow and i got to my room just when the door was opening. the old man said something like, oh, you're here and then went out.

and i also got out again. by the window, where my supposed friend was waiting for me with two boys to go out and i kept giggling and singing softly as we walked. or, in my case, danced. the two boys kept bickering behind me (about, i think, hair styles and fashion) as i skipped off, i found money in the floor (just some coins. wait, does that mean i'll get the job i applied for?) and continued in my merry way drunken with the memory of a voice i heard that saved me from being lectured.

it was only when i woke up that i noticed the boys were pi and jin and the voice was kame's (who, i think, in my dream i was going to meet wherever i was going, only that i woke up before i could. that's he drepessing part)

so, yeah, wish me luck at getting the job? today they tell me

edit: i didn't get the job
kriszeth: (Default)
so, um, yeah.

life has been... the same, actually. no job, i may not get into the SRE, i have no money and my stomach feels funny.

in other news, i've been watching season four of buffy and season two of angel. after faith made her appearance on angel i was tempted to hate buffy, which is totally weird since, idk, buffy is supposed to be my favorite kick ass girl. but faith, she draws something in me, like, idk, i want to save her. or something.

i'm pretty weird about fandoms.

so, anyway. nightmares are back. only, that they feel different. i don't remember them, to begin. but, when i wake up, my skin feel all sticky, as if i had been sweating all night. which is new.

so, um, not much point in this post. hope it gets better
kriszeth: (Default)
but i don't want to talk about them, so i was wondering if anyone knew of a tutorial for dummies that'll teach me how to hardsub.
someone? anyone?

*sighs*

my life sucks
kriszeth: (Default)

so i read the what-i-may-or-may-not-hate-about-you rants of [livejournal.com profile] cynicalism and [livejournal.com profile] calledinvain from their lj's the other day and since then i have this urge to say how sorry i am, beacuse even if they do not read the entries in my lj, i seem to be everything they really dislike in a person.
so, yeah.
anyway, i saw this pic today:


at first i thought "Koki, what happened to you?" and somehow kept coming back to the pic everytime i refreshed my flist page. and somehow i thought that it looked like Domyouji Tsukasa, not the liveaction, but the manga version. of course i love Matsujun as Tsukasa come to life, but it does looks alike ain't it? especially with the expression. and the crooked smile and the perm. even the damn eyebros look alike
in other news, i got Koyama as my first option in this test . lol *me is amused*
So my HAPPY romance partner is: B - KOYAMA KEICHIIRO ♥
since You’re seeking a partner you can be friends with, the most important requirement being that you can have enjoyable conversation. If you follow along with Kei-chan, whose characteristic talking power rises during a date, you won’t have any unsatisfactory thought of him right? The date course is recommended to be Kei-chan’s favourite health spa. With a mellow feeling, can you feel the loo~se sort of good atmosphere of it? Lets overlook that he’s somewhat of an idiot, which is the fashionable thing right now.
this is quite amusing to me, since from all the NEWS i thought i'd be compatible with, i would never in a million years think Koyama as the one.
even so, what it says up IS there totally, one hundred percet true. i think your partner should be your best friend and a enjoyable company.
the second time around i made the test, i got Tegoshi, which is also hilarious since the description of the kind of relationship we could have is everything i would hate in a relashionship. i think i'll stick with Keii-chan then.
and now i remember some other tests i did quite some time ago, like the one about What CLAMP charactrer was i alike. i got Sakurazukamori Seishirou (was that his name?), the cold killer who looks nice, polite, and seemmingly caring and warm, but could care less about things like cute fuzzy animals, flowers and people around him. once, one of them told me that it was amused about the perspective people had of me, since i was contrary to what everyone else thought i was. then she came to my home, entered my room and said something like you're pretty normal. i think i'm dissapointed which made me wonder what kind of concept did it have of me, but no matter how many times i asked, it would not tell me. oh, well.
also, went to the IFE. the lawyer told me there may be a chance i can get a job there by january next year. it would be temporal though (ten to eleven months)... i will have to study everything about Derecho Electoral though and it's not even certain i'd get the job *sighs*
i also received a mail back from the tribunal in celaya. they told me what requirements where there to get a job, but regretably there was no oppenings to get a job at the moment... even now, i'm still wondering why they would tell me the requirements to apply for a job there then.
which takes me back to my last msg chat with esther and her last words. maybe next time you can give me goos news. in reference to get a job... or a boyfriend, as if nothing else was important. it made feel as if i had no values if i don' have one of those things. ammoyed me too.
oh, well
nighty night


p.s. i keep forgetting the tags i have and have to open another tab just to see in what category my entries should be in. trying to be organized and all that
*looks around at the complete disaster/mess state her room is*
i wonder how people can get like a bazillion tags and stil know which one to use...or do they make new tags along the way and never use them anymore?
p.s.2 all this talk about tags made me remember how my last entry was the shortest i've ever written but still got two new tags all by itself. it amuses me even now. lol
p.s.3 i will stop adding to this before the p.s.' get longer that my actual entry, i promise


.....
i lied
XP
kriszeth: (Default)

so after reading a LOT of tutorials and grasping only the basic of the basics (because i suck at following written instructions and things NEVER go my way), i erased azureus, bitcomet, bitorrent and various other torrents i couldn't get to work properly since the download speed for those things was 1 to 5 kb/sec.

and the things i want are on torrent, like, you know, buffy's e-books (all canon novels) and those american series i'd like to finish watching, like buffy, angel, dr. house, supernatural and dark angel. i also could downlad from

*sigh*

and this is where it gets depressing (for me at least). i watched orange days. i think is the first drama i've finished watching that has no pretty JE boys in its starring, for which i was kind of uninterested at first until i saw Sae give Kai a kick. it was hilarious.

i think i identified myself a little too much with some aspects with the characters, like Shohei saying "I'm just putting life off", creating excuses for myself and lying tto my family about the date release of my resultsand things like that. although i haven't found anything to work for (literally and metaphorically). i also have no impressing memories of my school life. i remember fun stories, but those aren't things that'll stay with me for the rest of my life. even the people i spent time with then, in a year time, i'm not sure i'll talk with (mostly because of my indifference)

i'm quite weird about this thing of not wanting to have contact with people i won't be interacting from now on anymore. like, turning to the next thing and moving on, only that i never really move on. sometimes i miss and sometimes i regret and then i tell myself that this is what i want (and notice that it is mostly how i really feel, just not really interested).

i think... well, no. i'm quite sure i really hate to have to interact with people, specially with people that sought my friendship (in rl i mean), wether they really mean it or not. to have to answer to their questions and little messages. mostly of having nothing to say back to them, because there's no point since they just ask as small-talk. usual questions usually followed by one word answers or not even that.

i wonder when my lj comments began to be lenghtier than my real conversations (and seeing that is only now that i'm geting comments back that is quite pathetic), i think i'm even sadder when i don't get an answer back from a comment i made that from that of an acquaintance

...

an d mom called me a while back to go do things and i totally lost the tread of this entry, so i'll leave it at this
kriszeth: (Default)

So I've read the redone four chapters of Chain from pengiechan over at ff.net.
I must say I miss the character development of her first multichapter (actually discontinued), the way Hiyono and Ayumu's relashionship bloomed from time and closeness and I don't know how to explain, but the new story leaves me desiring a lot from the plot. How his feelings for Madoka were changing at the same time Hiyono's importance was being brought to light, the doubts, the subtleness.
The pace, in especial, was quite enjoyable, exploring the feelings on each character, their evolution tep by step, indicidually and as a whole even when they weren't in every scene.
Pengiechan's writing is still beautiful and deep (which is why I still want to read the new Chain), but to leave such a story like the old Chain without an ending just when the plot was thickening was sad.
...
And I can't believe I'm writing this or even understand why.
Lately, I've had a lot in my mind about what to write on here. Or just write in general (How to let go should've have been over at chapter six by now, so why is it I haven't done anything?), but usually it just ends up being forgotten as I read.
I reread Stefan Gagne, btw. At least the Slayers part. Finished Slayers Virtual, which left me quite confused about cyberpunk fic, from which I didn't understand a lot of concepts, but still finished in one day (my eyes hurt and I have a BIG headache). It's just the perfect balance between all categories in a story.
I feel quite like Gourry when they were talking about VR and lusers and bot and what not (hackers, feh!)
Plan on reading an AU of Ranma 1/2 from the same author, plot-wise about cyberpunk (I think the theme was this, if not, I fail). Maybe this time around it'll make more sense (wish I were a hacker. That way I could get back my old hotmail account, which I miss. A lot. Since, you know, it has the same name as my lj account and that name is quite important to me.)
Also, just found Spiral manga scanlated almost completely, so at least I'll undertand a little more about Hizumi and the back-story of Kiyotaka.
And talking about manga, read MARS last week. Must say, Jin would make the perfect Rei if the rumour  about it being made into a drama was truth. Is easy to picture him in that role, though I can't imagine him with Maki as co-protagonist. True that Maki gives out that Kira-feeling, but together... I can't imagine them together. Dunno why (Yamapi, Akira, Kurosaki)
Planning on finishing Liar Game (which has been on my HD for months now), dl Maou and watch it (since I stopped at ep. 3), waiting for Code Blue (ls productions, hope your virus problem can be fixed soon)
Also, been downlading all soundtracks producer by Yokko Kano. Dl Secret Code and the Kanjani8 albums, which I haven't listened.

I should update more about rl...
In which I'm struggling for a job, Father has been telling everyone he knows I've finished college so they can give me a (bad-paid) job, went to Irapuato last Tuesday to leave a job application (still waiting for a call), will go to the IFE Monday to see if there is a place for me.
Must write my CV
Waiting for a call from LaSalle to see if I passed my Ceneval (in wich I had 1145 points and supposedly I'll past if I get 1000, so people around me is sure I did pass while I'm waiting for confimation) and to give the damn certificate.
Had a lot of fights over thinking about my future, from which I'v NEVER EXPECTED ANYTHING, because I'm lame and scared shitless.
Discovered I hate eating, but still find myself stuffing food inside my mouth and gaining weigh

And now I notice I don't know quite how to tag this entry
Wish me luck (and wit) to find suitable categories
kriszeth: (Default)
So, I tend to come back to this story quite a lot. Once I began reading it, I can't stop myself.
So, I'm re-posting this again in my quest at journal edition
Last time though I didn't say anything about this piece. The en of  "The meaning of a smile" with double angst to top it.
To Black Star, may you all find the happiness you gave me with your presence.

Nameless )

 

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