kriszeth: (the wind whispers to me your name)
ok, so my flist is getting increasingly longer, not that i mind. but it causes me great confusion since i also have a twitter account and getting acquainted with, so i humbly ask of my flist to please share their information with me like:

<b>lj username</b>
<b>tumblr username</b>
<b>dreamwidth account</b>
any other names you wanna share

this'll help me to try and know who is who, because when someone says the real name or a nickname when talking i tend to get hopelessly confused and don't know who is who

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kriszeth: (Default)
or i could have worded it better.

so, i went to my newly friend's journal [ profile] koneho and read this. in my quest to be a better ljfriend i made an ass out of myself trying to comment, mainly because i wasn't really taking into account how i was saying things. which resulted in [ profile] pipsqueaks adding me as a friend (no, i'm not sure either how that happened, but yay, friend?)

first of all, lying. lying in certain circumstances is easy to do, which makes it appealing and, doing it all right and without fanfare, sometimes a life saver. i mean, who hasn't lied? the point though is the when and where and why. which doesn't really have anything to do with what i'm trying to say, but it came out, so...

now, i think what i was really trying to say in my comment over kon's lj is: i don't think you need to lie to spare people's feelings. as i put in my comment saying the truth doesn't mean being tactless about it, that'll make you a bitch, not a honest person. that's what i think about the whole ordeal. choosing between lies and the truth is in the end only that, a choice. the real fact people should focus on is the outcome. sometimes truth is needed to improve ourselves, even if we don't want to hear it, but if i'm not going to like the truth either way, it doesn't mean i wouldn't appreciate people being tactful about telling it to me.

i think it all comes back on the way you say things. we like being told lies (in the beginning) because they make us feel better about ourselves. people like lies. that's a known fact. you learn in time that believing those lies is not always the best thing, though. listening to truth is not welcome at all, because they make you face yourself and your mistakes, and yeah, at first it'll make you feel like shit, but... well, it depends much on your reaction to know if it'll break you or make you.

life is about ambiguity. everyday, you choose between saying truth and lies, to yourself and to others. taking either way towards an absolute, there in lies the problem about being truthful or a liar.

on the matter where i said  that i wouldn't pick neither of them, but at the same time, i know i've chosen to be both and befriend both and there are people you hurt purposefully and that hurt you back purposefully, but in the end you count in them and you know you dont have to spare her feelings to speak your mind

ok, so first of all, have you read this fic? (i know, stupid to exemplify real life with fic, but, uh, it'll take less time to explain? maybe? kind of?)

i may have a friendship where i act kinda like ryo in that fic? you see with all the oh, look, interesting, another crack which doesn't necessarily proves that i'm a good person towards her, but at the same time, it makes her the closest person to me because of that and probably the only one i'll keep in contact with for a long, long, long, loooooooooong time (only don't tell her that because that'll be embarrassing. and weird. but mostly embarrassing.)

so, um, with her, there are times between our banter when i know i'm going to hurt/annoy/be insensitive with something i may say but i still say it because that's how i really feel at the moment, which may explain why sometimes she goes all mushy on me after and tells me she knows i don't care about her but she still cares about me as a friend. to which i don't know how to answer. but that's not here not there.

that is not to say she doesn't prod and give as good (or bad) as she takes from me, since she's not one to keep her commentaries to herself and sometimes she is a bitch (and knows it the same way i know when what i say will hurt her).

even so, is only when you've prodded the line between being an insensitive bitch and really totally crush another person, you learn when to say things and when to maintain your mouth shut. as i said on kon's lj you should also know when to hurt and when to heal. that's what real friendships are i think, to know when to hurt and when to heal.

so, does it make sense now? even a little?

kriszeth: (Default)
So, I tend to come back to this story quite a lot. Once I began reading it, I can't stop myself.
So, I'm re-posting this again in my quest at journal edition
Last time though I didn't say anything about this piece. The en of  "The meaning of a smile" with double angst to top it.
To Black Star, may you all find the happiness you gave me with your presence.

Nameless )


kriszeth: (Default)

Lately, ne, I've been reading Shige's essays in Myojo. I must say "Wow!", because is always refreshing and touching and just plain awesome how he can write all THAT from only one word. Mostly because he does not try to give out lessons and advice, but because he's giving you inkling into his life, how he thinks and how he feels. It's clearly enjoyable how his words link into this amazing piece of reading material from what seem simple prompts.

And so, here's my failed attempt into this kinda writing, although mine WILL be 1 000 times more depresing. God, I need to see kurosagi, definitely, when is it gonna be subbed again? Is someone even gonna sub it? Anybody?




Camera )


Jan. 28th, 2008 09:52 pm
kriszeth: (Default)


My favorite song right about now.

Ok, into more... serious? Other things. I've wondering What's the point?

Esther keeps saying  Please, confide in me. Tell me about you, the things you do and the things you like. What you see and what you want.

That's great coming from a friend, specially when I felt so... down -? No. That's not the right word. Maybe more like dissilussioned? Yeah, that pretty much sums it up- about my supposed "friends" in college.

Though I didn't felt it that much to begin with.

Mostly because I went on break right after stopping talking to them and it pretty much feels like prior years.

I actually think that they feel the same and are waiting for me to talk to them once I get back. I must say I'm still thinking about it.

But, you know, the problem is: No matter how much I want to tell her the things I do or like or see or want, I always end up disillusioning her.

Tatoeba... her last text message.

When I was all hyper because I finally got NewS new single weeeek! –also got the PV. I like the part when Koyama puts his hands on his waist and swings. Is pretty funny. I even squealed. Squealed! For a guy I don't even like! And oh, Tegoshi Yuya. He's the cutest lovely sweety I've ever seen and don't even let me start in Yamashita Tomohisa- and was trying to learn the lyrics, she asks Hi! How are you? What are you doing? Any news?

They were NewS, that's for sure

I had a smile so big I thinks my cheekbones hurt and all glassy eyed and hyper induced answered I was learning a new song. Her reply was A song? Must be one of those in that weirdy oriental language.

Even at that point, I didn't feel insulted or anything and I still answered back all happy-go-lucky. After all, I felt over in 9th cloud. I tried to explain the feeling the song left me, specially after reading the translation.

It's a hopeful song, trying to get a message accross. It tells you not to give up enjoying life just by growing up, to take your time, day by day, enjoying what you do and with the way I've lately felt about this particular fact, hearing a song like this makes feel somehow relieved and hopeful. I still don't know how to explain it, so here are the lyrics:

weeeek! )

When I heard it the first time, I wanted to sing and dance and jump around. I couldn't tell her all this, and I feel like, even if I had sent her the translation, it wouldn't be enough and she wouldn't want to see the PV and hear a song in a language she dislikes. I confess I didn't tell her all this, but we were text messaging via cellphone, so...

Her reply was It's good you're entertained and positive. Well, good night!

Frankly, it left me feeling ashamed of what I like. As if she was hearing me out just because it was the polite thing to do, like being patient with a stupid kid. And the worst of all, it's not the first time it feels like that!

Also, when I meet with her, she often makes faces, like it is tedious and bothersome and just generally annoying. I noticed, so I stopped telling her about it, but then, I didn't have much to talk about, because I can't say Oh! I saw a wonderful movie called Yuuki and Kamenashi Kazuya is in it and it made cry, it was so great! You should see it, too  because that is NOT what she wants to hear nor does she want to watch it and school life is just not what it cracks up to be either.

I can't keep telling her about my teachers and classes when I meet her though that's usually what I do, so I don't know what to talk about. Mostly, I just keep my mouth shut and listen to her. She rather enjoys it anyway.

Also, she dislikes my mother. And my brother. Family complains are a big NO-NO -and I don't even like complainig about my family to other people to begin with-. Something about blaming her because I don't expect much from life and I'm apathetic, as if my mother kept me locked up while she was living the great life and enjoying outings or the like.

First, I'm not an out-going person. Like Infinitesimi said once, I'm nice to people, not really friendly and even when I get invited I usually decline, beacuse my classmates live in another town and it's bothersome and tiring to keep traveling on bus.

And when you try to catch up with a friend, the first thing that comes out of your mouth are not things like  My father is ill or I stopped talking to my pseudo college friends because I got tired of them. You try to say things you enjoyed or were fun to do or see, but that kinds of things are not something your friend wants nor likes to hear, what can I do?

Ok, maybe you also tell sad things or the problems you have, but......

Argh! I don't know how to say it. And there are things that doesn't need to be said.

Also, she usually phones me around 10 p.m. and I'm tired and I can't freely talk, because the phone is in the kitchen and EVERYBODY hears what I say or she phones when I feel down or I'm doing other things and don't really pay attetion and it feels like I'm not a good friend, am I?


Everything I really utterly completely like, she dislikes. The things I think seriously over, she does not agree with. She keeps thinking I'm apathetic because my mother keeps me locked up and my family uses me like a maid so I don't have time to go out and get fun.

She keeps saying Tell me about you, how you feel, but when I do so and when she replies it feels like she is saying It is because of your mother's fears and strict education that you are like this. Mostly, this is because I don't enjoy what other people think of as fun and that's what she does not understand.

She is not by me 24/7 anymore. She doesn't see me interact with other people and she can't understand the kind of person I still am. Encased in my highschool doubts.for her, that's not how I should be. Because, to her, I should be happy, bright-eyed, outgoing, friendly, joyful, competitive, courageous,  talkative, positive, looking to the future with hope and expectatives. In short, a person who is not the present me. Maybe someday I will, maybe I'll die tomorrow. I don't know.

And no matter what I say or do, she won't stop blaming my mother for how I am. It's like I'm content with you being able to tell me all of this, but I still think your mother is at fault.

I give up.






kriszeth: (Default)

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