kriszeth: (i'll cling to you)
ok, that's a lie. i got amazing twitters messages saying happy birthday and even a banner, and just because this must be preserved, here:

i feel llike i just won something amazing when i see that pic, and it makes me go all =DDDDDDDD

i also got fluffy akame fic wrote by She. yeah you read right, She wrote me fluff here. an then she wrote an entry in her journal to wish me a happy birthday with the amazing title: Reincarnated cyborgs from the future and hot steamy wolf boys.  i must be honest and say that i opened that entry just because the amazing title. in fact, She just made me happy with a tittle and i would have been silly grin happy just with that tittle as a present i'm not lying. though i don't begrudge more fluffy akame fic. just saying. ;P

i am all smug and preening like a smug preen-y person. i'm also incoherent. i blame my cold, the meds and my rollercoster emotional draining worry for my computer. yes, my computer. i don't know how i did it, but i think i fixed it.... but now i have to configure it all. again. thanks to y brother impatience to go see his gf.

WOULD HAVE BEEN SO HARD TO HAVE WAITED FOR TEN MINUTES MORE AND NOT  UNPLUG THE DAMN CONTRAPTION OUTTA MY JUST FIXED REALLY OLD COMPUTER? WOULD IT? god, just thinking about it makes me mad again. i'm more mellow now, but i blame my sickness for that too. and let's not forget my pained muscles thanks to kickboxing.

so, the point of this entry was to say:

1. yamapi, i did not forget your birthday, my computer was with the tech guy getting fixed. love, k

2. my birthday was a mess, but i still received all the pretty comments/wishes and felt sparkly, even if it was just a second before my pc crashed down and i got really mad and almost cried, but i really really really appreciated all your efforts in making me feel loved, because i really felt loved and guys, akamerars and those just kattun fans on my flist, thank you so much.

3. it was also domoto tsuyoshi's birthday. i miss your music, please to release a new album

4. i somehow managed to fix my pc. me = happy

5.  having to reconfigure pc's a drag

6. i need to go and help mother with house chores or she'll kill me. mood : disgruntled


Mar. 20th, 2010 08:31 pm
kriszeth: (feel the sea breeze)
i want to try this again

it's been a long time since i've kept a journal. and i'm not talking about flimsy, uneven and fangirl post on computer. to be quite honest to my self, i wrote more and better when i kept a journal. i still have the unfinished notebook somewhere in the mess i call my room.

i stopped doing it at the time because i got frustrated about how all i wrote about was oh, please let me die already. or how much i've missed zaphiro, nee-san, seiya, dymi, sirent, leo, lenny,  jen, jenny, jennipher and I'M GONNA KILL YOU, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. I'M GONNA HURT SO DEEP YOU'LL NEVER FILL IN THE VOID I'LL CARVE INTO YOUR SOUL, I HATE YOU HATE YOU HATE YOU, JUST YOU WAIT I'LL GET MY REVENGE. I'LL MAKE YOU SUFFER SO MUCH YOU'LL WISH TO BE DEAD BUT I'LL LET YOU LIVE. LIVE AND CRY IN HOPELESSNESS LIKE HOW YOU'VE LEFT ME.

even in this space i tend to mention them, but imagine every entry talking about the hopelessness and uncertainty about the future. the bleakness of tomorrow when i just discovered death had robbed of my most precious loves. i hated myself. hated the person that imprinted into paper feelings so dark and despairing in lively colors. i wanted to forget, but i could only remember.

even now, i'm not past those feelings. sometimes i want to sit and cry until i've run out of tears. but then, there are those little excerpts full of beautifully tinted heartbreak. and even when it hurts, i get a little proud. did i really just wrote that?

i want to get that back. the feeling of being able to express myself. i want that back.

also, appropriate song is appropriate

also, happy birthday, sato takeru.
kriszeth: (outside the window)
 you'd think after two years of doing this i'll have something prepared for it. a fic, a graphic, a poem, a quot, a song, something. but alas, life tends to suck the, well, life outta me.

i actually don't know how you manage so much in so little time. it leaves me in awe how amazing you are, you're hard working character, your smile, how you've become so comfortable in your own skin. there's really lots of things to learn from you.

happy birthday, Kamenashi Kazuya. i say this every year, but i really hope you have a long and enjoyable life, which i'm sure you will, because you're you, and that's reason enough for me to love you, thank you for existing
kriszeth: (christmas on my own)

lost. in the middle of the woods no less. two children sit at the shade of an old tree whose trunk is chipping, dirtying their supposedly immaculate white uniform.

"this is all your fault," the little boy grunts, a frown in his pale face belying the pout on his pink lips. "brat"

"sorry," whimpers the little girl beside him, contrite and hiding her face into the scrapped knees she hugs to her chest tightly, feeling tiny and teary, but she will not cry, oh, no.

she just wanted to get a better look at that pretty flower and the butterfly, is not her fault the others kept walking away and if he's so mad about it, then why did he have to wait for her, she didn't ask him to DDDD:

"mom would get in trouble," a drawling voice, not in his head, but beside her, answered.

"uh?" she raised her teary-eyed face towards him.

"how do you think your parents will react when they know you got lost? they'll blame mother and stuff. that's why we shouldn't move too much, so they can find us easier. so your stunt trying to look for the cabins by climbing up the tree was silly, the foliage is too tall and hide them from view. be happy you got nothing broken, brat."

when he talks like that, it makes her feel small and stupid, isn't he supposed to be six years old too? how does he know big words like foliwhatever? and of course he'd worry about the problems she could cause his mother. his mother hates her, after all. maybe if she was alone she would have been left to die in the woods. so maybe it was a good thing he is with her, this way his mother has to look for them if she wants to see her son again.

"sorry," she repeats with a sniff and then hisses when a lock of her hair gets stuck in her still stinging knees.

a sigh. "does it hurt much?" he asks tentatively, eyes hidden beneath an a little too long fringe, fingers drawing in the dirt.

"a little," she sniffles with a pained voice, eyes misty and cheeks rosy, biting her lips.

another sigh and then he gets up. "wait here," he orders and walks away.

she scrambles to her feet but ends up falling on her butt again, a small wail leaving her lips, but that doesn't stop him and she can only watch him fade between trees and bushes. big, fat tears tracing anew the dry track left visible on her face. she doesn't know how long he's gone, face hidden once again on stinging, scrapped knees, sobs making her small body tremble and the tears just adding salt to her wounds. maybe he really left her here to die?

something cold and wet pats carefully her raw knees and she forgets to hiss when she spies his companion in lost-hood through the curtain of chunks of tangled, wet hair. "i went to the little brook we passed before. we need to clean this so they don't get infected, we don't know how long they'll take to find us."

"your shirt," is the only thing she can say. no thanks or hisses or whines.

he shrugs as if it isn't anything, as if he, the only kid she knows that is always careful with his clothes, hasn't just teared off the sleeves from his dress shirt to take care of the skinned knees of someone who he supposedly finds annoying. "there," he says, once he finishes cleaning the cuts.

she blinks at her knees, all pink and raw and clean and then a wet pinkish-brown cloth lands on her face. "wipe your face too. you look ugly, brat."

her nose scrunches up indignant and her answer is to show him her tongue, but still looks for a white patch in the cloth to rub her face and get rid of the tear tracks. "thanks," she mumbles after a while and he shrugs it off once again.

"so..." she says after a while, the sound of birds twittering and leaves rustling making her crave for something more in the still ambiance between them. "have you decided on your name yet?"

"i have a name already," he cuts disinterested, it makes an annoyed frown to appear on her face.

"i know you have a name already. i meant the name you get to choose when you turn seven, have you decided on it yet?"

"mmm..." he hums and she watches him unblinkingly. "not yet"

"eh?!" she exclaims. "but you have to give one tonight or they'll choose for you."

"mmmm..." he hums again, not really caring about it. It’s just a name, after all.

a fixed stare that comes closer and closer until she makes him cross his eyes funnily, head thrown all the way back so it goes thunk softly when it connects with the bark of the tree trying to keep a minimum space between their faces. "zaphiro" she decides, nodding to herself, a silly smile.

"what?" he asks flabbergasted, a doubtful, if not cute (and she swears to never ever say that aloud), pout that screams are you crazy? that's a stupid name, i'd never use it. "why?"

"well, you know, like your eyes" she mutters, making herself small again, trying to prepare for the rejection his expression spells, but when he opens his mouth to deliver the verdict, he's interrupted by the sudden lap-full of sobbing baby girl that throws herself at the girl with the scraped knees.

she blinks dazed, finding herself with her back in the ground and a dull ache in the back of her head, a buzz in her ears that she soon realizes are supposed to be words. "esmeralda?" she asks and suddenly a torrent of tears come flooding.

"well," a voice calls attention to the almost teenager that appears accompanied by another girl of seemingly ten years old, that busies herself trying to pry the sobbing little girls from each other to take a look at the just found girl's wounds, while a couple of adults report finding the lost children by radio. "glad to know you listen to precautionary measure when getting lost in the woods, squirt." he mocks the little boy, relieved smile turning into a smirk. "though it'd save us time and worry if you just listened when the adults say not to separate from the group and go explore on your own."

"shut up." the just found boy retorts to his older brother, sighing long-suffering and crossing his arms in a put-out manner, spying his baby sister of three years olds cuddling with the brat and not liking how the brat hogs all the attention from baby esmeralda. "not my fault."

"blaming girls is a no-no," the teenager points out, index finger poking his little bro's nose. it makes the boy scrunch it up cutely, and swap at his hand, which is why the teenager always does it, head thrown back in a laugh. "you're cute!"

"am not!" he shrieks, cheeks pink in embarrassment when the adults stare. "let's go back, i'm hungry" he mutters sullenly, following the grown ups when they begin walking.


"brother chose his name!" little esmeralda shrieks, bouncing cutely in the balls of her feet. toothy smile proud and eyes shinning. "he told me."

"really?" the bored girl mums in answer. after the initial  joviality of being found, she got scolded by esmeralda's mother. as punishment, she was to stay seated and alone at the talent demonstration, banned from participating in the event, first row so everyone could keep an eye on her. esmeralda is the first one that has spoken to her, but she just waits for some grown up to come and whisk her away, so it's no fun. she is surprised, though, when little esmeralda attempts to crawl up the chair beside hers.

"what are you doing? your mother will be mad at you if she sees you talking to me"

"is 'k" esmeralda grunts and huffs, finally able to kneel in the chair. "that way, we can stay grounded together!" she smiles accomplished, green eyes twinkling. it makes her heart go doki-doki from happiness. esmeralda looks left, then right and then cups her little porcelain hands on the ear of the older girl to whisper: "zaphiro"

and something flutters in her stomach, a smile blossoms on her face, mirroring esmeralda's. "pretty, no?" and she nods.

"brother's next" esmeralda sits properly, like her mother has teach her, and claps enthusiastically.

piano notes let themselves be heard. she doesn't know anything about music, but the melody is pretty, albeit the playing is a little clumsy, small fingers still not totally trained. she closes her eyes, humming under her breath the piece she knows at heart by know and remember afternoons spent outside the music room with esmeralda listening to endless hours of practice. soon, the melody ends and applause  resound in the open clearing where parents have come to watch their kids. she suddenly misses her parents very much.

"for you" esmeralda smiles at her friend, who blinks owlishly back. "he said: tell the brat is for her" and a pout form on her pouty lips, because she doesn't like it when her brother calls her best friend a brat. and the brat finds herself running behind the scenes without caring if she gets scolded again, esmeralda shouting for her. just her luck she gets tangled with the red curtain though.

she huffs annoyed, but stills when hearing the voice of esmeralda's oldest brother.

"so, everything ready squirt?" it asks, and for the mocking tone and the answering annoyed huff, she knows he is there too. she squirms a little more and finds the opening of the curtain so she can spy the two of them. zaphiro is glaring up at his brother, hair in disarray, most probably thanks to the teenager, who only smirks pleased, hands on hips.

"mother is waiting in the car for you." and he suddenly sobers up, expression turning grave. "are you sure you really want to go away? i don't think esmeralda'll like it"

zaphiro only nods in answer and the teenager throws his hands in the air, suddenly exasperated. "ok. well, then. let's go"

she watches their backs disappear in the shadows behind the scenes and tears spill from her eyes, not understanding why or how and she lets herself  fall on her hunches to cry, sobs unheard thanks to the pitiful attempts at talent kids display to please their parents. that is how little esmeralda finds her minutes after, tears spilling in answer to her broken-heart's ones.

"why are you crying? was brother mean to you? i'll bite him for you! but don't cry"

"he's leaving" she sobs and esmeralda's tears fall harder while her voice grows in volume and pitch not understanding.

"no, he isn't!" esmeralda cries, tugging at her to stand up so they can go and ask where her bother is. "he isn't, you're wrong, he won't leave, he promised!"

"ey, what's all this about?" the teenager reappears and esmeralda launches her small bullet body to his knees, almost knocking him down.

"she's lying!" esmeralda accuses, glaring up at him tearfully. "she says zaphiro is leaving, but she's lying! she's lying, lying! she's a liar!"

"oh, sweetheart" he kneels down as to rock her to calm his baby sister and looks at the other sobbing girl, reaching out for her too. "come here" he soothes and the six year old goes willingly.

"why is he leaving" she asks broken-hearted. "where is he going?" the hug gets a little tighter as the teenager tries to soothe them both, their cries attracting people. "why did he hate me?"

at six, i was a cry baby. i can say that now. but i still blame you for it.

there's not much i can say about our memories. i think, though, this was the first time you left me to fend by myself. you'd think i could have learned from it what to expect. there were times i understood your reasons to be away, and there were times i couldn't even fathom an explanation for them.

i've been trying to prepare for this post since december began. i can't say i'm doing a great job for it.

i could say i've moved on, but i would be lying. i still find myself writing to you as if you were to answer. i go out and keep waiting to meet you in the streets, keep looking at my reflection on glass surfaces to try and find you stalking me, waiting for the less expected moment to pass your arms over my shoulders and whisper in my ear "found ya".

ne, master, it's ok isn't it? to not forget you yet.

happy birthday, zaphiro. i love you.

kriszeth: (the wind whispers to me your name)
i feel quite angsty. even so, i've been thinking about your birthday all day long and although i'm quite sure you've already partied and enjoyed it quite a lot and did lotsa  things and even if you don't know i exist i stil want to say, happy birthday akanishi jin.

someday i'll be able to make shiny and amajing posts celebating your birthday, so until then, i hope you continue singing and dancing and being you. that's all that matters. so, don't you ever change, we all love yout the way you are

hope you reach a hundred.
kriszeth: (christmas on my own)
there's something to say about birthdays

they tend to be such a lonely affair

the past

there were once two girls. they were twins and were beautiful.
they loved each other so very, very much. so much that i thought i could never fit with them
they had everything they would ever need in each other and the world was theirs to charm.

i'm sure they've accomplished already, wherever they are

somehow, though, we became inseparable. or at least i thought it to be so. once.
now i wonder if you remember i exist anymore.

i wonder if the next time i open my eyes, there'll be someone else apart from myself staring back at me

the present

to crystal:

for always having been my surge of strength, for always picking me up as i fell, for not caring about what people would say when you hugged me and i hugged you back, for being there for me, for understanding me, for a lot of things i have no head to think about right now... thank you.

you know, i think i forewent friendship by love when i had both, thinking the only thing i'd ever need to keep going was to be by his side. having neither love nor friendship now has made me realize that the reason why i could treasure love was because you were there too.

more than my friend or my sister or my heart, you are the treasure i wish i could have once again.

wherever you are, please guide me along to find it

to jen, jenny, jennipher:

for always listening, for always indulging me when not even nee-san did it, for scolding me, for letting me cry, for letting me fall and wallow in misery when i needed it, for letting me hug you and for hugging me (and i must say that your hugs are the bestest of the best there are in the whole universe) and crying with me, for saying i was interesting and thinking of me as your precious little girl... i love you.

i'm aware i never said it enough, i was a brat. still am. i remember your smile, your laugh, your elegance, your tears, your inner strenght, your scarinnes, your love for you husband and son, your faith and your fortitude.

i can't say enough i love you's to make up for all the times i never did it before, though i know you knew.

i hope we fin each other again. i promise the first thing i'll say it's how much i love you.
here's a minute sign of it ♥

i hope wherever you are, it may reach you

today it's your birthday. even though we haven't known each other all our lives, i can't image how it'll be to live without you in my heart.
happy 26

the future
in all is bleakness

i have a dream, of the three of us, dancing and laughing and skipping along.
i have a wish of waking up with you on each side, like before


because, i don't want to walk alone anymore

please, come back to me

sorry for the lack of lj-cut. i fucked up somewhere and now i can't do it, ugh.
none of the pic are mine. i googled them, so if anyone'd like to be credited, please tell me
kriszeth: (Default)

sorry for the lame post  -.-;

editz: oh, look, i learned how to put sparkly text
kriszeth: (Default)
i've been wondering, lately, why is it that everytime a date i want to celebrate ends with me in tears. 

i was going to post this at 12, but i'm too sleepy and tired and don't know if i'll last until then.

i guess, what i wanted to say was happy birthday, kamenashi kazuya. you are 23 now in your time zone and in some minutes we'll share half a day of your birth date. this is the third time i wish happy birthday to someone i'll never meet, but i just want to take a page out from all the fangirls out there and shout out :


(i really need to learn how to put sparkles to the next)

as i type, i'm crying, which is what i have been doing at intervals since six in the evening. stupid, i know. sometimes i wonder myself since when did i become so weak. ah~ i thought i was stronger, but with  the pass of time i've become weaker and weaker... and then, i see you, working so hard and can only admire from far away. not only about physical distance but also in another level, though i'm not sure which would it be.

nah, kazuya, how can you still smile? real or fake, being able to smile, sometimes i wonder if i can keep on doing it. i have no control left, not even over my own life.  i'm so tired.


somehow, this entry turned out being about me and not about you. i'm sorry.

seventeen minutes to go till midnight, ah, i'll be the middle of the day in japan by that time, ne? i hope your day keeps getting better and that you'll get lots of presents...

aaaah! i shouldn't have been watching i litre of tears in my emotional state! i suck at giving congratulation even when that person  it's not there to receive them. i want nee-san to come and save me. and i want some ryo-erika fic. yeah, totally random.

i thought there'll be more fics of kame. somehow, there weren't much. or as much as i hoped. i know i'm being unfair, since it's been months of my last update. m(_ _)m

uh, i think i just screwed the ep06 file of 1LoT. mooouu~ yes, i'm making time till midnight. i kind of suck at it, too. so, even when time zones overlap, i'll bee sleeping. or maybe i'm getting it wrong and in japan the it's already the 24th's halfday ? ah, i've forgotten everything about my geography class in junior high.

it's 12:00 already! so i'll celebrate your birthday sleeping while you keep up the idol life. seriously though, happy 23, kame. thank you for existing

kriszeth: (Default)
so, december the 31th was the suckiest of days that ever sucked. it was also Master's birthday, for which i'm terribly sorry, since i didn't post/wrote something for him and i've been doing that for the last ten years.

i would say happy 23, but you're dead and that day was anything but happy.

i'll come back later with a better post, i promise
kriszeth: (Default)
I have nothing to say, really, except that wherever you are, I wish you the best.
You have made me cry and laugh and think about you A LOT.
I know we'll never meet, but I hope that everything goes your way, that your work and hopes won't go to waste, that you fight for what you believe in and that you'll reach your dreams..
Jin, I wish you  happiness and a long life.
I hope you find the love you wish for, that you cherish everything and everyone you hold dear and that those that hold you dear cherish you the same way.
Happy birthday Jin
Thank you for all you've made me feel
kriszeth: (Default)
So, oficially, YamaPi's Birthday is over in his time zone, but it's just the middle of April the ninth in mine. I stil want to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY YAMAPI, I HOPE YOU GET TO ONE HUNDRED and MEAN it with all my heart, which is kind of weird, because I don't even celebrate MY own birthday (I still celebrated Master's, though)
I thought I couldupload the first chapter of How to let go as some kind of tribute, but I fail something major, because I've been feeling like shit and just too lazy to write. Still, though and I still can't believe I'm gonna say this and MEAN IT, but what the hell!, since I discovered the date of his birth I've become really excited about it, almost the same way when I found out Master's birthday. 
(Yes, I also thnk is kind of creepy BUT I CAN'T HELP MYSELF! And I don't even want to)
I've been wondering, though, why am I so besotted to YamaPi, in particular, and all the other JE boys, in general.
I remember the first time I saw him in Nobuta wo Produce, how I thought How cute!!!!, but still could only think Kame, Kame, Kame, Kame... only it was something along the lines of Shuuji, Shuuji, Shuuji!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (I did not know Kame's name at that time, you see), so yeah.
I'm being really deep, aren't I?
I still wanted him to end up with Nobuta, though, because they're BEAUTIFUL together, which is why Kurosagi was a dream come true (it's just, you know, they didn't end up together there either)
I WANT SO BADLY TO SEE KUROSAGI THE MOVIE, WHY HAVEN'T I? Oh, yeah, something along the lines of not finding it uploaded in direct download and subbed and my brother being mean and don't letting me download any drama from his pc when he knows I can't download from mine
So... I totally forgot what I've been thinking to write the last hour
It's just, he really is perfect. He has all this cualities I love in a man (from what I've read,  I mean). His personality being as complex or as simple as you feel it. Sometimes, I think he's everything I've ever wanted (after Master, I mean, but he is dead now and I'm still here) and feel like I'm everything he would despise in a person and that makes me feel depressed which is stupid because I will never meet him, know him, talk to him or nothing and.... I want to. I've never ever wanted someone like this and is begining to scare me, because a person doesn't fall in love this way, this is obsession and it somehow taints it all and I feel dirty and this is getting more and more depressing, isn't it?
So maybe when I feel in better spirits I'll try to describe why I like him in this unhealty way (maybe it'll even help me to get over it which I doubt) and feel ok about it all and keep on going, learn how to let go, you know
kriszeth: (Default)
Today is Master's birthday.
He'd be 22 if he were alive.
People all over the world celebrate this date as a new beggining, another chance. I can only think Today is Master's birthday... and he is not here.
I can just stay here and  think Master would be twenty two.
I can just let this day pass as any other, because I don't care if this is the last day of the year, I can only think I was never the first one to congratulate Master in his birthday. I always tried to be last one to say it, because I wanted to ask 'Was it happy? This day... Did I make you smile? Did you like my present? Were you happy... with me?'
... )

Mom asked me What are your intentions for this new year?
I answered Where's the point in having intentions, when you know you're not gonna do them?
Sometimes I wonder What would Master want for me? He'd want me to keep going and to find love again and to be happy and get a job I'd enjoy and face the world saying You will not defeat me and work hard to get all the things I may wish for, to reach out and hold onto the things I'd work for. To accept things as they are and go from there.
Master'd want me to think Ah. Today was great. I'm glad I'm alive.
But all I can think of is If Master were here, then there'd be a possibility to say and do and be all those things.
I can't keep going like this, ne? But this is the only way I know how to keep going.
Because even if I wish thing were different, a person who doesn't change for herself, has no right to be regretful


kriszeth: (Default)

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