fear

Sep. 17th, 2010 10:00 pm
kriszeth: (outside the window)
[personal profile] kriszeth
today, i discovered i'm terrified. i'm not exactly sure at what. maybe life in general.

but this fear, this terror, i don't know where it came from or the reasons for its origins. it's not the kind of terror that makes your heart beat rise, but more the kind that stops everything, the one that leaves you cold an shaken and faux paralyzed.

what was i really afraid of? of being blamed for a careless action? what made me afraid? even when in my mind i was all "great, now he's going to blame me for it", sarcastic and kind of indifferent, b, it was something deeper, something darker. it was like reaching out your hand into the fire, only the fire is a kind of hatred, of spitefulness, of vindictiveness, of the will to hurt and destroy, the core of human ill feelings.

i was afraid to be burn and be blamed and condemned.

or maybe i was afraid of just losing my job. which is ridiculous, because it was not something so irreparable as to fire me just for something so inane.

but it's not the first time and that's what makes it all the more terrible.
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